This is going to sound crazy, but it is what it is and if I leave it to my eyes only then I feel like it’s invalid and nuts and I’ll rip it up and then I won’t remember what went on so I can talk with my psychiatrist.
Last night this kid I used to work with (not really a kid, but I don’t know what to call him) is texting me about porn. I get a call from Alice and we are talking and out of context while I am talking about a Grey’s episode she says, “Not real. It’s all imaginary, fake.” I get a text from the kid while on the phone with her, but ignore it because I am on the phone (pet peeve: answer a text while on the phone with me). The text I read when I get off says, “I finally got off to a babysitter porn”. Why does that trigger me? I babysat Molly yesterday. He didn’t know that. I always feel I am being watched. I always think there are cameras. Why? Because I worked in retail most my fucking working life and it’s the nature of the beast. Wherever you are, there are cameras.
I am also a big believer in nanny-cams so as I am already feeling what some would call paranoia, that flipped me.
Yesterday while Molly was napping I was watching House and this patient had something and they were trying to rule out Leukemia as soon as the symptoms are listed it cuts to commercial so what is the first commercial, it’s about Leukemia and Lymphoma. One of my lymph glands is “swollen” so I need an expensive sonogram to rule out any bad stuff like 7 months from now. I had thyroid cancer, a millimeter size bit of cancer, but enough to stick in my mind. Also when I was breaking out in hives and in the hospital the blood work was taking forever and the doctor is all like “you have a high white count blah blah” I’m like, “Heard it before let me go.”
So I Bing Leukemia and one of the symptoms that pops is flu like feeling and bone weakness. My brain goes, “There’s your sign” and I’m all like “You can go fuck yourself brain”, but even though I knew jumping to a conclusion like that in that manner was crazy.
It also doesn’t help that yesterday I found a free movie on the cable box thing called “Forever Lulu” What is it about? A schizophrenic woman who escapes a facility to inform her first love of their child she gave up. Sometimes when I go psycho, I think I am pregnant. Why? Probably because of the aftershock of going through what I went through with my first love. What scared me? She’s schizophrenic and her mannerisms are so like mine when I go psycho it’s… wow. I have no words for it. Now I know how everyone saw my breakdowns.
As I saw the fear in heartbreak in their eyes, they saw a crazy, paranoid, nonsensical freak show. That is why I hate pity. That’s why I think people are looking at me weird when they look longer than just a glance. That’s why I think paranoid. Because I remember all their mannerisms as they watched me spin out of control. It was like looking through a window pain.
I need away. I need to fucking just leave like everyone else does when they need a change of scenery. I need to clear my head.
I got in the car with my mom one night and I smelled this horrific smell of like gasoline and she said she could only faintly smell it. And said nothing else but to roll my windows down. Her expression on her face was the same look I have seen when I am spiraling down.
I’ve been called a hypochondriac all my fucking life. So much to the point that I can’t ever know what’s wrong with me, I refuse to go to doctors with any concerns. No one ever thinks that what I say is valid.
Last night I tell my mom I am a textbook (NIMH) version schizophrenic. “I hate when you read too much.”
I hate that I have to go through this life. Everything that has been instilled in me comes from my mother and sister. If they don’t approve or don’t believe me, I am obviously a hypochondriac and I am wrong and nothing I feel or think about myself is right.
Why do I not know what’s real? Why can’t I trust myself to believe myself? Yeah, I believe in self-accountability, but sometimes you have to know when something isn’t your fault. You have to realize that crazy didn’t start with you.
I have to get ready to take a little trip. Sorry there is no great ending.
- When Is a Crazy Thought a Crazy Thought? (asserttrue.blogspot.com)
- Aspartame Linked to Leukemia and Lymphoma in Landmark Study on Humans (foodfreedomgroup.com)
- Aspartame Linked to Leukemia & Lymphoma in Groundbreaking Study (federaljack.com)