relationships – CombatBabe

Am I Crazy?

February 8, 2013 By CombatBabe

This is going to sound crazy, but it is what it is and if I leave it to my eyes only then I feel like it’s invalid and nuts and I’ll rip it up and then I won’t remember what went on so I can talk with my psychiatrist.

Last night this kid I used to work with (not really a kid, but I don’t know what to call him) is texting me about porn. I get a call from Alice and we are talking and out of context while I am talking about a Grey’s episode she says, “Not real. It’s all imaginary, fake.” I get a text from the kid while on the phone with her, but ignore it because I am on the phone (pet peeve: answer a text while on the phone with me). The text I read when I get off says, “I finally got off to a babysitter porn”. Why does that trigger me? I babysat Molly yesterday. He didn’t know that. I always feel I am being watched. I always think there are cameras. Why? Because I worked in retail most my fucking working life and it’s the nature of the beast. Wherever you are, there are cameras.

I am also a big believer in nanny-cams so as I am already feeling what some would call paranoia, that flipped me.

Yesterday while Molly was napping I was watching House and this patient had something and they were trying to rule out Leukemia as soon as the symptoms are listed it cuts to commercial so what is the first commercial, it’s about Leukemia and Lymphoma. One of my lymph glands is “swollen” so I need an expensive sonogram to rule out any bad stuff like 7 months from now. I had thyroid cancer, a millimeter size bit of cancer, but enough to stick in my mind. Also when I was breaking out in hives and in the hospital the blood work was taking forever and the doctor is all like “you have a high white count blah blah” I’m like, “Heard it before let me go.”

So I Bing Leukemia and one of the symptoms that pops is flu like feeling and bone weakness. My brain goes, “There’s your sign” and I’m all like “You can go fuck yourself brain”, but even though I knew jumping to a conclusion like that in that manner was crazy.

It also doesn’t help that yesterday I found a free movie on the cable box thing called “Forever Lulu” What is it about? A schizophrenic woman who escapes a facility to inform her first love of their child she gave up. Sometimes when I go psycho, I think I am pregnant. Why? Probably because of the aftershock of going through what I went through with my first love. What scared me? She’s schizophrenic and her mannerisms are so like mine when I go psycho it’s… wow. I have no words for it. Now I know how everyone saw my breakdowns.

As I saw the fear in heartbreak in their eyes, they saw a crazy, paranoid, nonsensical freak show. That is why I hate pity. That’s why I think people are looking at me weird when they look longer than just a glance. That’s why I think paranoid. Because I remember all their mannerisms as they watched me spin out of control. It was like looking through a window pain.

I need away. I need to fucking just leave like everyone else does when they need a change of scenery. I need to clear my head.

I got in the car with my mom one night and I smelled this horrific smell of like gasoline and she said she could only faintly smell it. And said nothing else but to roll my windows down. Her expression on her face was the same look I have seen when I am spiraling down.

I’ve been called a hypochondriac all my fucking life. So much to the point that I can’t ever know what’s wrong with me, I refuse to go to doctors with any concerns. No one ever thinks that what I say is valid.

Last night I tell my mom I am a textbook (NIMH) version schizophrenic. “I hate when you read too much.”

I hate that I have to go through this life. Everything that has been instilled in me comes from my mother and sister. If they don’t approve or don’t believe me, I am obviously a hypochondriac and I am wrong and nothing I feel or think about myself is right.

Why do I not know what’s real? Why can’t I trust myself to believe myself? Yeah, I believe in self-accountability, but sometimes you have to know when something isn’t your fault. You have to realize that crazy didn’t start with you.

I have to get ready to take a little trip. Sorry there is no great ending.

When Is a Crazy Thought a Crazy Thought? (asserttrue.blogspot.com)
Aspartame Linked to Leukemia and Lymphoma in Landmark Study on Humans (foodfreedomgroup.com)
Aspartame Linked to Leukemia & Lymphoma in Groundbreaking Study (federaljack.com)

Filed Under: Annoy Me, Personally Me, Rant, Relationships, Ridiculousness Tagged With: Cancer, Conditions and Diseases, family, girl garbage, health, Hematologic, how to annoy me, inquiring minds, Leukemia, Lymphoma, mental disorders, rant, relationships, Schizophrenia, thoughts

Where Awards Usually Come to Die

February 3, 2013 By CombatBabe

Tyroper was very kind to pass on to me this golden award. I have one just like it in silver. I think it’s a trend to mix silver and gold jewelry, but I could be behind since I don’t usually wear jewelry. Thank you, Ty. I am glad you like what you read here. I know awards usually stop here when it comes with me. I am horribly lazy at collecting gems to give the award away to. I also fell into the belief of thinking of them as chain letters. Well, I have figured out for myself in the last 30 seconds of composing this that it’s a ~~load of crock~~ crock of shit (I was tired when this post began) made up by horribly lazy people like myself who do not want to take the time to appreciate and be appreciated. If you want to be professional, you can relate this as to being at one of those mega conventions and your booth only has 250 favors to pass out and network. WordPress makes blogging a social network. They are tricky like that. It’s old school to be a Dooce. And harder than ever since platforms like this. I write on a whim. I am serious in saying that I am horribly lazy. There are people who research and rewrite and edit and stew over their posts before making them live. Freaky shit, I know. But if you can do that, you can pass around an award to make someone else’s day a little brighter and to let them see you care further than, “yo this shit you just posted here, this shit is tight yo.” Or [insert clicking like button here]. Lazy freaks. Long story short, the award is not dying here today.

Here are the rules of the award:
1.) Display the award logo on your blog.
2.) Link back to the person who nominated you.
3.) State 7 things about yourself.
4.) Nominate 15 bloggers for this award.
5.) Notify those bloggers of the nomination by linking to one of their specific posts so that they get notified by ping back.

7 things you need* to know

I dig fruity baby food. Especially banana.
Most everything I complain about with other people I have been guilty of myself.
I talk more shit about the people I love than I do of the people I loathe. Case in point: Alice. If you keep up with me you’ll notice once the friendship took a momentary pause that I thought was a forever pause, I stopped talking about her. Exception: My mother. You don’t talk shit about the people who brought you into this world and can easily take you out. Exception to the exception: My father.
I need to learn how to break big goals into smaller goals so I stop the cycle of thinking it’s impossible and giving up.
I can recognize a lot of things I need to do and because of this I think I don’t need therapy, but question if that means the exact opposite.
I am terrible at planning. I don’t like to feel locked in and if I fail, I would disappoint others which would cause me further disappointment.
I have never been married and I am not sure if I ever want to be. Some will take this as me having a negative opinion on marriage. That’s not the case. Some may take this as me having a fear of commitment. It’s not a fear more than it is I have had more than a few serious relationships, I barely make it to 2 years how the hell could I do until death do you part? I don’t believe in divorce for myself. It happens, but if I marry that man better know he is stuck for life. Unless he does something catastrophic then my ass will be at the court quicker than you can say flies on shit.

15 Blog Nominees

1. AliceAtWonderland
2. NotQuiteAlice
3. CrankyGiraffe
4. TishMoon
5. Jet @ SustainablySinlgeParenting
6. WhiskeyInTheAM
7. ExileFromHysteria
8. Rarasaur
9. J.E Lattimer
10. FrontRangeScribbles
11. MerBear74
12. Rohan7things
13. Jaschmehl
14. TeenyBikini
15. ABoldPerch

This is in no way an attempt to show favoritism and I want it known that I love you all. You are all inspiring, but it didn’t say infinite and one of my things I need to learn is to accept being limited so this kind of works for me. One small step to most, one huge leap for me.

_________________________

*need is very relative here and can be replaced with, “Could have lived the rest of your life very happily without knowing anything on this list.” But that’s just too much to type. Plus, need is persuasive. It pays to persuade. (Not really unless you’re in the biz. Biz example: hooking.)

Filed Under: Personally Me, Ridiculousness Tagged With: alice who the fuck is alice, Award, blogging, friendship, girl garbage, gratitude, humor, inquiring minds, Nomination, opinion, quirky, randomness that is me, relationships, Social network, unendorsed, wordpress

So I Have This Friend

February 1, 2013 By CombatBabe

Ian is an interesting friend to say the least. I originally met him when I was about 17 or 18 because my best friend was dating his pot dealer. She is now married to that retired pot dealer and we are no longer best friends. But this is not about that nor is this about her.

Years go by and I never hear about ’Endo’ again. Until late summer, early fall of 2011. I am hanging out with this sleazy kid L.J — long story — and he wants to go to Endo’s house. Endo?? I think I know this kid. It rings bells. Endo introduces himself to me as Ian. There seems to be this ongoing thing where guys I hear about who are known to everybody as some nickname introduce themselves to me with their proper name. So I am one of the few people besides his mom to call Ian by his name and not his longtime street name.

Ian and I become friends and LJ goes off the Richter because he’s insane and a huge drug user so I stop hanging with him and hang out with a less dangerous kind of crazy Ian. I start crushing on Ian. He’s smart, a little ridiculous… OK a lot ridiculous and interestingly funny. He’s a charmer, and a Libra like myself so it only comes naturally. He’s also a bit of a lush which is usually not my thing, but he’s awesome when he’s sober.

He decides he needs a new horizon so he’s moving to Cali. Apparently he’s going to “legally” cultivate marijuana and make some good money. A few months ago he gets busted and arrested for illegally cultivating marijuana and stealing power. He’s in jail. So a couple of weeks ago I am like what the hell, I haven’t talked to his punkass in a while, let me go ahead and buy him some minutes and see if he really remembers me. He calls me and he remembers me. Shockingly enough. So we are talking and he ends up telling me this story…

He has an ex-sugar mama (she calls herself his ex girlfriend — who knows with Ian, I tend to take everything from him with a grain of salt as everyone should) that he remains friends with, in fact she is holding his dog for him until he’s released. She is always all over his Facebook saying his friends need to write him and everything. She cares a lot about Ian. She is married and has been for a little while now. Her husband cheated on her with “the 22-year-old” (as Ian refers to this girl as) and Ian has now, his story, hooked up with that girl and his ex would literally have his balls if she ever knew.

She knows.

I get a letter from Ian addressed to me, my name and address. I open it and it reads, “To my Dearest Amy..” I am thoroughly disappointed. Not because he’s writing a girl, Ian has always had many girls in his life, but because it’s not my letter. So I read it. He is giving this chick his life story and his number 1 reason for coming back to Florida is for her. I laugh because it’s the cheesiest shit I have ever read (besides Diphshidiot’s jailhouse letters to Alice) and I know he wouldn’t fall for a girl he’s never fucked, let alone met. That’s just not Ian’s style. He has no place to go when he’s released and he is looking to this chick to house him until further notice, I know Ian.

So I post to his Facebook that I got a letter for an Amy and was sending it back to him, but wanted to let her know he wrote because it takes forever to get letters. Yeah, not a very good idea, but I am innocent. Ian has a shit ton of friends so I figure everyone’s cool with everyone. Not the case.

Amy replies it’s her and blah, blah, blah. She looks like a ho so I know it’s her. Ex gf/sugar mama comments a couple of days later and is LIVID. Apparently this chick is a huge drunk and a slut and was found passed out drunk around 9 at night with Ex’s 3-year-old child near a pool 750 ft from Ho’s house. I am guessing Ho and Ex were once friends before that incident and the cheating incident. I don’t know.

What I do know is that now Ian’s dog Niko needs a new home and Ex is DONE. And Ian gets to get out of jail and read how it all happened.

I didn’t even recall the story until after Ex convinced me she knew it was her and then it was like BAM! Oh shit, I totally fucked Ian’s world up. I was trying to convince her that this Amy could be lying. Whoops.

I came by it innocently because if I had known it was Amy, had Ian gave me more info than just calling her “the 22-year-old”, I would not have said a peep. Let Ian get burned by his actions another way. He would have anyway. It was inevitable. Just sucks that I was the one who let the cat out of the bag.

I am sure you are wondering why I would want him as a friend, but he’s just Ian. I know he is fucked up and it’s easier to have a friendship once in a while where you have little to no expectation. It’s a breather from being disappointed by friends you expect to be friends. Plus, he can’t use me when I don’t offer him anything.

So I have this friend who I am not so sure is a friend anymore.

Filed Under: Personally Me, Ridiculousness Tagged With: disappointment, exes, Florida, friendship, inquiring minds, randomness that is me, relationships, weird, whoops!

Hi. I’m CB and I suffer from a case of passgressive.

January 5, 2013 By CombatBabe

I’m always ~~advising~~ telling people ~~how I think they should~~ how to run their relationships with people, family, friends, and spouses. You come to me with an issue, ~~or I beat it out of you~~, and my first line of ~~advice~~ command on how you ~~should~~ better handle it is communication. Tell the person how you feel, if they aren’t understanding look at how they communicate with you and emulate it back to them. If they are understanding and think you’re just plain wrong, step back and evaluate it thinking of it from their side and from there you come to compromise. A lot of people get confused with compromise thinking that it should always be a 50/50 split of sacrifice and gain, but that’s in a perfect world. Sometimes you will have to do that full back bend and they should understand the same of themselves.

Kermit (Photo credit: Eva Rinaldi Celebrity and Live Music Photographer)

I don’t follow my own advice. I know! It’s so shocking. I mean look at how intelligent and rational I am. What the hell is the matter with me? Besides too high of a self-esteem in random spurts. And a healthy dose of self-depreciation, sarcasm, bitterness, and verbal attackage to anyone whom says anything that I see as being critical of my persons since I lack the ability to differentiate between behavior/beliefs/thoughts and self. It’s not easy being ~~green~~ me. Kermit, man, Kermit.

So as I was getting my workout on last night and thinking about Miss Flighty, it came to me that I had given her details about what happened over my holiday. Details I shall never share with this blog because it not only shames me, but my entire family and although I sometimes have the deepest desires to just runaway from the looniness that is my family, I still love them and wouldn’t want to harm them. So what I told her was very personal. It struck me last night that she talks shit about Miss Fallout to me along with also talking ill about her mother, her father, her baby’s dad, her brother, and her sister and Ivan (the guy who molested me several years ago and attempted rape on Miss Flighty). Miss flighty is always talking about people not respecting her, yet she talks about how she has such little to no respect for them. I know things about Miss Fallout I know I shouldn’t. Her telling me a very intimate detail about Miss Fallout’s boyfriend leads me to know for certain that she has told Miss Fallout and most likely her sister about what I confided in to her.

I also know with certainty she would lie about it if I came out and asked her. So instead I posted this on Facebook for her to see:

I’m so passive-aggressive. I know these cards are supposed to be humorous, but I didn’t know how to spin it so I just typed it how I thought it.

How do I end up with such shit friends? It must be me. I don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations of people I invite into my fucked up world or if I am a magnet for the assholes. All I want is for someone to care, value, and appreciate me as much as I do them. In my mind that’s not too much to ask for. I even told that to Miss Flighty. I watched her kid for free twice this last week and let her use my lap top on 2 different occasions so she said to me the other night, “You’re such a good friend, I don’t know how I can repay you.” I simply replied, “Just be a good friend.” I also made a crack that she’d start hanging out with Miss Fallout more when Miss Fallout was available and I’d be in the dust and she hesitated for a half a minute before shaking her head. I call bullshit.

Filed Under: Personally Me, Ridiculousness Tagged With: advice, disappointment, discussions, facebook, family, friendship, girl garbage, how to annoy me, inquiring minds, random, relationships, revelations, unendorsed

My 2012 in Memes

December 29, 2012 By CombatBabe

This will be my last and final ‘Hoorah’ for 2012. I bid thee farewell and please do not drink and drive. Why? It’s fucking dumb and who wants to be fucking dumb? Well, maybe Dipshidiot and Alice/Brittany, but let’s just say for the sake of now they don’t count. Now to let bygones be motherfucking bygones. I hope you enjoy. See you in 2013, lovelies.