My dearest Sarah,

You’re 14. Congratulations. You’ve made it this far pretty much unscathed. You may have had a rocky childhood prior to this due to an alcoholic father, but you were happy and as a child that’s all that mattered. You feel grown now. That’s where it becomes dangerous. Had you realized and felt you were only but a child, or at least that you didn’t know everything, the turning point of your life will be this year.

You’ve introduced yourself to Mari Jane. You think she is pretty fine, she gives you the giggles like nothing else. And you were in the Just Say No Club when you were in elementary school, but even caught young, people can easily stray. Even the most innocent. Little do you know that the crowd you are smoking Miss Mari Jane would cause you to fall to pieces because of a predator that lurks amongst the group.

It’s going to hurt more than you know. It’s your best friend’s sister’s birthday today, December 19, 1999. You and your bestie tell each of your parents that you’ll be at the other’s that night for a sleepover. Little do they know you two will be in a hotel room with your bestie’s 19 year old sister, her 20 year old boyfriend and his male friend. Beer has been bought, Mari Jane is abundant, it’s a small party. You can handle this, you feel safe. Neither you or your best friend would ever put the other in harms way.

The sister’s boyfriend and his funny friend leave for a reason I don’t remember. They’re gone long enough that your bestie and her sister have fallen asleep. You’ve finished your OE (Old English) so you grab your bestie’s and walk out onto the balcony. High and pretty drunk you are staring at the grocery store across the way. Cars are whizzing by and are a bit mesmerizing. In your own world, content. Until the slider opens and you see the familiar white shoe with khaki pants that are a bit too long or hung low on the waist.

The pit of your stomach turns into knots. Anytime you’ve been near this man, it was always in the company of others. How could you be so stupid to have come here? You remember the instances he’s given you twisted glances and blown little kisses your way. He’s brought you a beer and you’ll show him you have one. He says his is better and as innocent and dumb as you are you accept the open beer. Next he hands you a blunt that he only wants you to smoke. What happened to puff puff pass?

Your head is now spinning, it’s never felt like this before. He takes your hand and will ask you to come sit in his lap, really gestures it. You’ll shake you head barely getting any words out, you can hardly talk. Your head so spinning and heavy, you’re out like a light. You begin to come to and are in his lap, cradled like a child. His one hand is up your shirt and he begins talking to you as he sees you’ve come to. ‘No’ will be repeating in you head like a broken record, but you can’t get it out. Slow tears will begin to fall from your face. You keep trying and finally you can speak and move and you try to pull away. He holds you. As you can begin to speak you tell him no and to stop. He lets up and asks if your thirsty. Your mouth feels so dry you take the original beer he handed to you and drink and therein lies your downfall.

He will do more to you through the night, it will feel never ending. Once completely naked on the bathroom floor, alone finally. You’ll close the door as quick as you can and stay in the bathroom running bath after bath as the water gets cold each time. You scrub yourself so hard your skin reddens, but his smell doesn’t seem to come off. Quietly you’ll crawl out of the bathroom and lay in the bed next to your friend and silently cry yourself to sleep.

The wound will never heal, you’ll bury it deep, but it will never just scar over and leave you alone. In fact, in 13 years when you are writing this letter to yourself you’ll feel like your 14 year old self all over again. If only you knew. If only you could stop him. If only you weren’t so fucking scared. Hindsight is 20/20.