Crazy Talk

May 24, 2013 By 24 Comments

Last night suicidal thoughts infiltrated my mind. I know it’s weak, and selfish. I know the devastation it would cause to my loved ones. That’s why they only remained thoughts and I didn’t act upon them.

I am stuck and I am scared. I am scared of looking for employment. I am scared of having to explain why I haven’t been employed for over a year. I am scared of being interviewed. I am scared of going psychotic again.

I am scared of change and depressed from this monotony that has become my life.

In other news, we have a new addition to the family. Her name is Thai and she is a 10 month old German Shepard mix. We get to pick her up tomorrow and that is something to look forward to.

Thai052413Thai052413_2

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Cutting

May 10, 2013 By 21 Comments

I used to cut. I have 3 well-placed scars on my left wrist — for all who meet and know me to see. I have thought about it lately because of a post I read a while back where the blogger mentions you are never an ex-cutter just as you are never an ex-addict.

I don’t know if I agree with that.

The last time I cut was at least 12 years ago. I have no desires to do so now. I was just a kid then. A very angst-filled spoiled little girl with some major issues. I think because I was cutting at a young age, now the idea of it seems ridiculous to me.

I can believe in the theory once and addict always an addict, but it’s hard for me to believe in once a cutter always a cutter.

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Free My Mind

May 3, 2013 By 22 Comments

alicefree

I feel as if my mind is on lock down. I only wish there was a door I could just casually walk through, but unfortunately there’s not. I don’t know if it’s the monotony of my days that seem to all run together or if it’s the medication or maybe a combination of both.

My day consists of waking up, coffee, computer, reading, napping, coffee, computer, reading, bed. Mind you I stay in my bed the whole day every day. Alice hasn’t been around much, busy and all that stuff.

My life blows right now. Just saying.

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Bipolar Me?

April 26, 2013 By 16 Comments

I am sitting here this morning thinking how amazing it is at how little I know about Bipolar Disorder. When I try to learn about it it becomes too much and I swear causes more of a depressed feeling in me than if I didn’t read up on it at all. I cannot figure out if it would be better to read into it more or just go about taking my medication as directed and making sure I make all of my appointments.

Then there is this talk of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I don’t have the funds to see a therapist, but I have heard about self-help books that work with it and I am wondering if that would be an OK substitute. But I am also wondering how much CBT really works for something like Bipolar Disorder. Hell, for all I know CBT was made for Bipolar Disorder and some of you more educated readers are thinking, “Wow, this chick really doesn’t know shit.” It’s OK, I can take it.

So I am going to head to the library shortly — wish me luck!

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Used To

April 25, 2013 By 27 Comments

I used to be able to enjoy blogging. I used to be able to enjoy life. I used to be able to work. I used to be able to drink.

Now my life feels meaningless. I don’t miss alcohol other than the fact that other people can enjoy it. I miss blogging and I miss working, but I am fearful of the time when I can go back to work. Anxiety riddles me to the core.

My life now consists of waking up, taking medications, napping in the middle of the day, and going to sleep at night. It’s depressing and sad and lonely. And it’s my life.

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