Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

December 1, 2012 By

After a brief message from our sponsors [blog author]: I blame I Should be Sleeping on starting a movie on Netflix called “Like Crazy“. I have not finished said movie because I turned into such a blubbering crybaby that then became so angry-sad that I wanted to throw things and punch walls and submerse myself into the deepest rawest emotions, possibly drowning myself in them. Drowning is a pretty scary fear of mine. That’s beside the point. The movie is pretty much the same as my own experience except replace the British girl (whom I now have a total girl crush on) with me and then replace her white-bread American love to a 6’3″ Colombian. See the resemblance? Uncanny. Also, replace the distance from California to London with a simple 2 & 1/2 hour drive, in the same state. I only was 15 minutes into the movie before I completely lost it. I had read the brief summary of it before starting it so I had an idea what I was getting into. If you’re a fast reader this is a brief message. I am going to continue the movie tonight and die a little more inside because I am a glutton for punishment. End message.

This post may end up being shorter than that message above, if you’ve read it. This is just a forewarning.

Alice likes to feed me bullshit on a spoon. I know that is utterly surprising news to you. It drives me crazy (ooo, ooo) because I’m not a bullshitter. At least not to those I like. If I respect you, I’m not a bullshitter. Sometimes I wonder if the bullshit she is feeding me about Dipshidiot and the cast of characters in his life are coming from them or she is making it up herself thinking I’d believe it. Sometimes the shit that comes out of her mouth on this whole thing is the poorest attempt to try and make Dipshidiot look better than he does. Not even the top celebrity stylists could do him justice, but what I really mean is to make Dipshidiot look less than the aggressor he is and more of like a victim. Oh, poor, poor Dipshidiot sitting in jail locked up for violating an unjustifiable restraining order on an unjustifiable domestic violence charge. You can just tell the system is out to get him! He’s a fucking Saint! How can nobody see this??

I guess the cast of characters in Alice’s life, excluding the ones she’s inviting into her life from Dipshidiot’s, are all deaf, dumb and blind. I was rolling in laughter on the inside when she told me Dipshidiot’s parents were going to try and gain custody of Dipshidiot’s kid from his wife/ex/victim of his domestic abuse. My response was that it’s not going to happen. Her comeback was golden; word for word, “She has 3 kids.” Yeah, because that’s the way the system works. Your son is legally bound to stay away from his child so you go for a custody battle to adopt your grandson and the courts figure ‘oh she has other kids, what’s minus 1?’. Seriously? So did she hear this from Dipshidiot or did she make this shit up herself? Dipshidiot is a manipulative sociopath, if he did make this shit up, it’s because he knows she’d believe it.

She then tells me they could gain the custody because ‘Michelle’ (wife/ex/victim of his domestic abuse) is a heroin addict and had her 3 kids taken away by the state before. I honestly don’t know if DCF can take away your kids on that basis without any previous arrest records or arrests when they arrive on premise. I also am unaware if the court case to get your children back would be listed as public record. Everything else seems to be. I told her I’d look it up for her and verified her last name using Dipshidiots and she corrected me and gave me her maiden name. Then told me I need not look it up because she’d find out at his court hearing thing. Um, Alice, don’t want to sound too presumptuous here, but the hearing is about him and the violation of restraining order that pertains to the domestic violence. Not custody or drug use.

I looked Michelle up in the official records of the county she’s in and on court cases it all had to deal with Dipshidiot. On felonies, misdemeanors, etc. there was absolutely nothing. I never heard of Michelle having more than Dipshidiot’s kid until just 2 nights ago when I was eating Alice’s Spaghetti with hamburger, feeding all the hamburger meat to Molly. Who puts hamburger in Spaghetti?? If you do, it’s wrong, stop doing it. Though I will admit it’s not any worse than what my college ex-love’s mother made. Be ready to gag. Spaghetti noodles with a ketchup/canned tomato sauce mix and cut up hotdogs. If that sounds yummy to you, you can thank me for the recipe.

Dipshidiot’s record was interesting. Of course he has domestic violence, restraining order violation, trespassing onto her property. Add to that burglary of an unoccupied structure and another trespassing after warning. His father has a DUI from 92 or 93 so I’m guess the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. I’m not being uppity as someone in my family has 2 DUIs *ahem* but I am not saying who because another in my family, if by chance read this, I’d be fucked as they are easily embarrassed. I can be uppity to the fact I’m not an alcoholic/drunk/alcohol abuser. I have half a bottle of wine sitting in my fridge from 3 weeks ago. Yeah, I’m just rubbing it in.

Don’t drink and drive. Don’t feed me bullshit because I think you should have learned by now I’ll spew it back into your face. Don’t be a Dipshidiot.

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Write Mind

November 26, 2012 By
“Write to be understood, speak to be heard, read to grow…”
— Lawrence Clark Powell quotes (American Librarian, Writer and Critic, 1906-2001)

I love to blog. I love to blog about anything. A thought. An idea. Something personal. Something that’s happened. Something that’s happening. In short, I love to blog. I love to blog and I love to read blogs. I can spend all day, seriously, reading and pondering many different posts or the entire blogs themselves. I learn from blogs and from blogging. You can say both make me think; critically. Similar to that class in high school that you are mandated to take, Critical Thinking. Or really what I was mandated. Maybe not you. I don’t really remember what was taught in the class, but I am sure it involved some pretty heavy critical thinking.

I’m not a “professional” blogger. By any means. I know, you are as shocked as I am. I’m just a wee babe, we’ve got some time. If you want to throw me monies now, I’ll gracefully oblige. You don’t? Yeah, I wouldn’t throw any of my pennies your way either. Times are tough and my stomach is not going to feed itself. So with not being a “professional” blogger it feels even less appropriate when someone writes an article on a current thought or idea they have and you’re thinking they could have done better. The piece was missing something. Maybe it wasn’t deep enough. Maybe it lacked organization — I’m highly skilled at that. In fact, stick ‘lack’ in front of anything and I’m sure you’ll find me. Yet even as a “professional” blogger what gives you any right to give pointers or critique someone else’s writing? Can you imagine Dooce and TheBloggess dropping each other pointers on how they could do better? Yeah, not very pretty.

It takes my all not to comment what I really feel about a post. I will stare at the post contemplating if I can state eloquently my thoughts or opinions. If I realize I cannot, I will simply move on, but with that urge taking it’s time to ruminate and ever so slowly dissipate or not. I will, however, lack (see?) eloquence if what you say on my blog leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I think that may be why I’m more censored on others. You can find a way to thank me later. Seriously, save your Christmas money for someone else. So, essentially if what I read from you ruminates in my mind enough, I will make a post about it, without calling you out. I’m just too damned kind; sickeningly sweet.

So writing and critiques, writing and critiques. I read a post recently (could mean within the last 10 years or today, choice is yours) that shared an idea, a universal truth, a thought that kept them pondering and maybe ruminating themselves. I’m liking that word today. They shared it, putting it out there for all to see like most of us do. I’m not a teacher as I only ever have been a student. I do not have a career in writing — stay tuned as that shall be in the works. But as well as this person writes I was a little surprised. The piece was an excellent topic. The beginning started out pretty strong. As it went on, I became a little lost as the piece became less enthralling. They were either reaching too far or maybe were tired, but still had this to share (been there, done that — this may be one of them). The conclusion of either being a conclusion or one of those pieces that end with the thought of never having a conclusion was uncertain. I also felt in need of wanting a back story or a more predominant statement that said there was no exact backstory.

The piece scraped only the surface and I felt I was left in the dark. It does really hurt to bite my tongue. I don’t always want confrontation as that is not always necessary. I just will say what is on my mind. Unless I know it could offend. Though, if I knew you in real life and was comfortable around you, my oh my. I’m definitely an acquired taste. And lovable at the same time. I don’t want perfection out of everyone, I just want everyone to strive for their best. Think critically. Even in factual writing; Who, What, When, Where, Why, How? Tell me how you really feel. I’m listening.

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Limp

November 25, 2012 By

And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists
I never did anything to you, man
But no matter what I try
You’ll beat me with your bitter lies
So call me crazy, hold me down
Make me cry; get off now, baby-
It wont be long till you’ll be
Lying limp in your own hand
—Fiona Apple “Limp”

I don’t know if writing about this and telling my story as I recall it will do anything at all to help me or to help anyone else. People I try to talk about it with tend to shy away from the topic, my mother especially. I think she thinks since I did not tell her after it happened and waited until years later that it makes it less valid. Less true. She asked me the other night why didn’t I tell then; I tried to explain the weak and powerless that overcomes you when the event or occurrence actually happens to you. You think if that were ever to happen to you, you’d shout it from the roof tops, tell anyone who would listen, get that fucker charged to prevent it happening to someone else. I was 14, I can remember trying to tell her, but I think she was so angry with me about lying to her and not knowing where I was all night that she couldn’t hear me and brushed it off. I don’t think she understood the severity of it to me at the time.

There was a song I listened to over and over after it happened. I can remember lying in my bed hitting repeat over and over. It’s probably a song written about love, but with it’s melancholic mood and somewhat monotonic voice, it suited me. These lyrics helped:

So Tonight That I Might See

I look to you and I see nothing.
I look to you to see the truth.
You live your life;
You go in shadows.
You’ll come apart and you’ll go blind.
Some kind of night into your darkness,
Colors your eyes with what’s not there.
—Mazzy Star “Fade into You“

Seeing nothing? He’s worthless. Seeing the truth? The reality of what he did to me. Living life in shadows? He’s a predator. Coming apart and blind? Won’t admit he did anything wrong/The need to go after unsuspecting girls will blind him will pull him apart to exercise his wicked ways being blind to the fact that they are wicked. Some kind of night into your darkness coloring your eyes with what’s not there? He’s blinded to the fact that he’s sick and thinks what he did was also what I wanted. My want for that was not there. When Mazzy Star goes into the chorus of “Fade into you, shame you never knew” made me feel at the time I was listening to the song so much that my innocence faded into him that night and it’s a shame that he’s so sick and selfish as to not realize what he had done to me.

He stepped out to the balcony of the hotel I was at with my friend, her sister (Ivan’s girlfriend) and another guy. They were all asleep and the guy and Ivan had left so I thought nothing of taking my friends Old English and sitting out on the balcony. I can still remember hearing the slider and looking to my left and seeing his white shoe with his khaki pants. I had a sinking feeling, and instinct that I should have listened to, but I didn’t. He seemed a little too happy to see me, but I again wasn’t listening to myself. Therein lies my downfall. He offered me a Heineken or something and I told him I had a beer and he said something along the lines of the Heineken being better. So he went inside and got me one already opened. He didn’t open it in front of me. Had I had the knowledge I do now, I wouldn’t have drank it.

He was sitting next to me and handed me a blunt. I smoked and we talked. It wasn’t until I started fading out that he was trying to pull me closer to him. I went completely out only to awake to him cradling me like a child and feeling me up and kissing on my neck. My head was screaming no, but I couldn’t get myself to talk. Finally when I could make sound I continued to try and say no and it finally came out. I then tried to get up and he held me either not seeing or ignoring the tears streaming down my face. The slider was open and there was noise in the room so Ivan put me in my original chair and went in. He came back out and said we had to go call her friend Jen.

He was kissing me on the elevator and I remember he was chewing Winterfresh gum. My innocent and naïve self didn’t know what to do so I let him.

Jen didn’t answer so we went back up stairs and that’s when he pushed me into the bathroom. He stripped me and I tried to resist in subtle ways. Using my words, thinking that shit would work. Pulling away. Nothing was doing it and I was afraid to scream. I should’ve just screamed, but I didn’t. Eventually he had me naked and after everything we were sitting on the bathroom floor, he was still clothed. He only used his hands and mouth on me. He was telling me to shhh and that I wasn’t going to tell anybody about this. I told him I was going to tell everyone about this. He said none of it happened and I was dreaming. I said I could feel the coldness of the floor and knew I wasn’t dreaming. He got up and left me on the floor closing the door behind him so the light wouldn’t wake my friend or her sister up.

I don’t know how late it was. I’ve never been very good at keeping track of time. I went into the tub and took a scalding hot bath and washed everything from my face to my toes. I cried. I felt violated, scared, I didn’t know if anyone would believe me over him. Each time the water got cold, I’d drain it and take another hot bath. I felt sleepy after so many that I went and laid down next to my friend, in the clothes he’d stripped from me. I thought he was gone, but all of the sudden he spooned me and started whispering in my ear that it was all OK and I shouldn’t tell anyone. He got up and went to my friend’s sister’s bed and I fell asleep. I woke before anyone else and took a shower, Maria needed the bathroom so I got out and asked my friend if she wanted to go to the gym with me. That’s when I told her.

I told her every detail, details I can’t remember now if I tried. We talked a long time and she told me I needed to tell her sister. We went to her sister and told her everything and she was outraged and hurt and very compassionate at first. Until we were at her friends house (Jen’s) who talked her into not believing me and of course Ivan denied it all. I was given the phone to call my mom to pick me up and I had to wait outside. My friend and I didn’t talk for a long time after that. We talked a little bit in Journalism when she was back in the area and attending my high school. It wasn’t until Ivan assaulted her while she was getting ready to go out with friends. Her sister and he lived with her in her apartment. Her sister and niece were in the other room when it happened and luckily my girl is a fighter. He had grabbed her from the master bath and slammed her onto the bed trying to strip her. She was yelling and screaming and was able to get out of his grasp long enough to run to her sister’s room.

She called me after it happened and I think she even apologized for letting her sister talk her into not believing me. I’ve written this whole thing out and only now am I tearing up and saddened by thinking what he tried to do to my friend. Unfortunately, her sister is still with that bumbaclot and they just had another baby together.

I let myself believe that my word would be invalid to his. It didn’t help the fact that the shit went down the way it did. I felt that if I did go to the authorities that the drugs and the alcohol involved and the fact I had no one behind me it would be useless. The people that were there were asleep and he’d in someway have them to back him up. I don’t know.

I do know that if anything like this, more or less, happens to you tell someone. Shout it from the fucking roof tops until someone hears you. They are the weak and powerless, not you.

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How to Annoy Me 2

November 19, 2012 By

A screenshot depicting Edward and Bella in the...

  • Compare ‘Twilight’ to porn or abusive relationships.
    – I have read a blog post about how Bella is in an abusive relationship. Had I not had one my self, I maybe could have bought into that. Not every abusive relationship is the same, but reading the storyline Edward is anything but abusive. You’re underestimating young girls’ comprehensions. If a young girl gets herself into an abusive relationship and stays it’s within her own doing. I’m pretty feminist at times myself, but I don’t think a girl is going to relate the abuser to Edward. Unless of course they read articles depicting Edward’s character as abusive. If you’re to assume girls will excuse their boyfriend’s abuse because of Edward’s treatment of Bella then I can assume that they won’t without it being put in their head first. “I love the Edward, but now I am being told he’s an abuser. I love an abuser?”
    – If anything a woman does that is comparable to a man who watches porn, it’d be shopping and if you needed it to be more specific: shoe shopping. Comparing  one reading ‘Twilight’ for the romance and the allure of Edward is nothing like a man watching porn. Porn can be harmless and I won’t lie and say I have never watched it. Shopping for shoes can be harmless and I won’t say I have never done it. Porn can be an addiction and ruin marriages and cause young men to objectify and have unreal expectations of women behind closed doors. Shopping can be addicting, shoes especially and cause one to go into massive debt possibly ruining a marriage. Reading a sexually charged vampire romance saga is nowhere near like watching porn. Women know that they may not ever meet an Edward. Men do not know that they couldn’t ever meet a Jenna Jamison.
  • Tell me you support LGBT etc. community by raising your son as gender nonspecific. Include that everything he owns and has and does is girly. Then inform me he is 5 years old. Lady, you have problems. You obviously wanted a girl and are imposing this on your son and it will mentally, emotionally and physically cause damage to him. He’s 5, he doesn’t know what he wants. Let him be like that at home, but refrain it from public scrutiny. If your son wanted  cotton candy every morning and McDonald’s every night, are you going to comply? Also, show me pictures of all 3 of your boys’ rooms having them completely decked out in purples, pinks, rainbows, my little ponies and tell me you are not in anyway imposing this lifestyle on them.
  • Say you want peace and prosperity for this country yet in the exact same statement include that everyone who didn’t vote Obama to be ignorant and racist. Let me bow down to such intelligence. You’re going to go far, kid.
  • Tell me you know the way something works for fact, then when proven wrong act like you didn’t say that or mean it that way. Also tell me I’m the one who has issues with being wrong.
  • Lie all the time when you can’t lie for shit. Hint: to get away with a lie it should be 75-80% truth. Any less and when you get caught you won’t be able to talk your way out of it as you will have forgotten you lied about it.
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I’m Wide Awake

November 19, 2012 By
English: Katy Perry at the 2011 Logie Awards

English: Katy Perry at the 2011 Logie Awards (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m going to be honest, I am not a fan of pop music. I hear it and normally it’s like nails on a chalk board. But there are those few songs that slip in because I am forced to listen to the Top 100 or “Today’s hits and yesterday’s favorites”. In the area where I live we used to have a rock/alternative radio station that I loved except for the 4 minute slots they’d put in for Theory of a Deadman or Nickelback songs — don’t even ask me about Evanesence, I want to rip out Amy Lee’s voice box. I’m terrible, I know. They took that station and replaced it with the poppiest pop station that didn’t even last 5 minutes and then replaced that with country. I was pissed. Now we just have a classic rock station, which I love, but there is only so many times in a day that I want to hear Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers or Fleetwood Mac.

Katy Perry is my little secret so to speak. I think in a previous entry I made fun of California Girls, but now you know the truth — and that song isn’t one of my tops by her.

There are not many moments in my life that I would want to erase. I’m a believer in needing to go through good and bad in order to get you where you need to be. If you’ve just been through something horrid, you’re going to think I am full of shit.  Maybe I am. You would think I’d want to eradicate the time I was sexually abused at the young age of 14. The filth I felt and how scared I was, yes I wish it didn’t happen, but had it not I wouldn’t be so jaded and in tune to know when there is something off about a person. I didn’t listen to myself back then and though I felt Ivan was with evil intent; I still thought going to a hotel with my friend, her older sister and her sister’s friends was perfectly OK. Whether Ivan was sent by the Devil himself or was God’s sadistic way of teaching me a lesson, it worked. I’d rather be the girl walking around thinking most every guy is a pervert than the naive one who ends up in a worst predicament than I had been in. I wouldn’t eradicate Ivan because that night I learned something about myself, I wouldn’t want that taken away. I was the victim and I let myself feel that way for a long time, now I am not. If I had a chance to come face to face with him, I would not let him know how deeply I was afflicted by him and what he did, I would let him know I was stronger and that if he could know what I know, he’d look in the mirror and see what I see in him; his sick, twisted, deviant ways that make him a boy and never a man. I’d probably want to bash his face in also, but need we not go there.

I’m wide awake
Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
I’m wide awake

I wouldn’t erase my whole friendship with Alice, I’d want to, but I wouldn’t. I have a tendency to attract what I call toxic friendships. It’s going to sound like I am proclaiming to be some saint, but I am not. I believe saints would actually be able to succeed in what they set out to do; I don’t succeed. I just care too much and I want to fix you.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I entered Alice’s life a few months before she began losing Matthew, her still legal husband. Losing as in he was having an affair and we found out. Simply put, it broke her. I’m a fixer and I give pretty damned good advice. He still denies his on going affair with this girl, but we know. He was being more and more irate and mean with her because he knew he was caught. He was completely cornered and so when that happened his defense went offense, as usually it does unless you are perfect like me and do nothing wrong to get accused for. I told her not to start groveling to keep him, I think that should be in all relationship manuals because if you grovel you look pathetic to the one who is in the offense and they will become more and more ugly. She listens as well as she comprehends and communicates, not very well. He made some of the ugliest remarks and hell broke loose and now I think Alice is wost off in the decision making skills than she has been before as a mother. Before being a mother she wasn’t very good either. Even when you’re a hopeless case, I take you on because you’re my friend and I feel this obligation to fix you like a mother is with her child. ‘You have a boo-boo? Let’s clean it up and put a band-aid on it.’ ‘Oh, he crushed your heart to pieces? Let’s pick them up and puzzle piece them back together.’ It’s OK, I can fix you.

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in
Wouldn’t bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
‘Til I woke up on
On the concrete

The biggest reality check came when she told Brian that I was being a cunt. I know in the UK that is similar to saying ‘bitch’, but in the US it’s the worst derogatory name you can call someone. Kind of like how ‘fag’ means cigarette in the UK, but here is a derogatory term to gays, hell gays have been know to use it in talking about other gays. I think if I were gay, I’d want to be a flamer. ‘Dude, she is a total flamer!’ Fuck yeah.

There has been friction between me and Alice since she has decided to be head over heels with Dipshidiot and then when he’s locked up like a little jail bird, bring Brian into the picture. All these unknown men around her children. They sleep over, she leaves the children alone with these guys when she goes to pick up take out. I honestly think she is crazy, not in the loose sense of the word, but seriously a little bonkers from what she has been through. Matthew came to visit in June, he was caught in the affair in late July, she was on Match shortly after she realized groveling wasn’t helping her case and met Dipshidiot August 31st. Claims she is over Matthew. Married to him for 5 years, birthed 2 of his children; mmhm, she is totally over that dirtbag, how dare I question otherwise?

The day she called me a cunt to Brian was when we were disagreeing about peanut butter and kids under 3. I was not being in complete disagreement with her, I was saying that pediatricians and the like tend to advise not giving peanut butter because of the peanut allergy. That not can it only be lethal if your child does have the allergy, but they are linking it to children actually developing the allergy and if not given to correctly it can be an obvious choking hazard. I don’t have a kid and I wasn’t telling her it was wrong to give it to Molly. Information of the subject has always been back and forth.

I think Matthew texted her or something, but I looked at her phone for whatever reason and chose to look to see what her and Brian had been talking about. That’s when I read, ‘Sarah is being a total cunt’. Ohh OK, so you think I am a cunt? We got mad, we had words. I sat out on the patio thinking and stewing as I do until I finally got up and on my way out said, ‘Unless you are unaware of the definition of that word, it means a filthy, disgusting p-u-s-s-y!” (kids in the house) and slammed the door on my way out. She came running out and I drove off. She calls me and is sobbing saying how sorry she is and I can barely understand her. I go back to her place and we make up.

Mind you this is a Wednesday, which is visiting day for jail house rock. Prior to this I had agreed to watch the kids for her while she went and saw Dipshidiot. What I wish to have eradicated is me actually forgiving her. I honest to God in my heart believe that she wasn’t sobbing because she felt bad for what she did, but that if she didn’t get me to forgive her, she wouldn’t see Dipshidiot. When you think that way of a person you consider a friend being that manipulative and cold-hearted, why keep them? I have been nothing if not shitted on by her with everything. I’ve been angry, enraged, shocked, frustrated, confused, saddened, disappointed and deflated. No more.

I’m wide awake
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
I’m wide awake
I am trying to hold on
I’m wide awake
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
I’m wide awake
But I’m not blind anymore…

__________

Credits:

Katy Perry – Wide Awake
Coldplay - Fix You

Inspiration: Daily Prompt

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