Crazy Talk

May 24, 2013 By 24 Comments

Last night suicidal thoughts infiltrated my mind. I know it’s weak, and selfish. I know the devastation it would cause to my loved ones. That’s why they only remained thoughts and I didn’t act upon them.

I am stuck and I am scared. I am scared of looking for employment. I am scared of having to explain why I haven’t been employed for over a year. I am scared of being interviewed. I am scared of going psychotic again.

I am scared of change and depressed from this monotony that has become my life.

In other news, we have a new addition to the family. Her name is Thai and she is a 10 month old German Shepard mix. We get to pick her up tomorrow and that is something to look forward to.

Thai052413Thai052413_2

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Lost

May 11, 2013 By 9 Comments

When I was about 7 or 8 years of age, my sister had come home from school with one of her friends. Well her friend’s mom was pissed to say the least and wanted her home immediately. My mom was at work so my sister got the bright idea for us to bike her friend home. That wouldn’t have been such a bad idea if her friend didn’t live at least a half-hour car ride away from our house. I of course didn’t want to go and my sister couldn’t leave me behind, apparently that kind of thing is against the law.

The ride there wasn’t bad — at least I don’t remember it so it couldn’t have been — but coming home was a different story. My sister got us lost and it was getting dark. All I can remember really is being so tired of peddling and so scared that I was walking my bike and crying hysterically behind my sister who kept telling me to shut up. We finally ended up in a neighborhood she knew and we knocked on the door of some lady’s house who drove us home with our bikes in tow and promised she wouldn’t say anything to our mom.

I didn’t keep my promise. I had been so terrified that I told my mom that night and my sister got in trouble.

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Cutting

May 10, 2013 By 21 Comments

I used to cut. I have 3 well-placed scars on my left wrist — for all who meet and know me to see. I have thought about it lately because of a post I read a while back where the blogger mentions you are never an ex-cutter just as you are never an ex-addict.

I don’t know if I agree with that.

The last time I cut was at least 12 years ago. I have no desires to do so now. I was just a kid then. A very angst-filled spoiled little girl with some major issues. I think because I was cutting at a young age, now the idea of it seems ridiculous to me.

I can believe in the theory once and addict always an addict, but it’s hard for me to believe in once a cutter always a cutter.

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God?

May 6, 2013 By 23 Comments

Last night in bed I lied there wondering if there is a God. It really got me for some reason because in my mind, if there were, he’d be able to communicate with us in some fashion. Unless in the game of life that is considered cheating. I don’t know.

Religion has always been odd for me. I feel awkward in churches and especially when trying to read the Bible. I get the strangest sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. My parents never did the church or any kind of religious thing with my sister and I growing up. I’d go to Sunday school with a friend, but we were young enough for the coloring class with the lemonade and sugar cookies. I went a couple of times with older friends, but I don’t really remember the experience.

I would just find it interesting if there wasn’t a God. If this world was total happenstance. That would be almost as weird as sitting in church. I guess it boils down to me not knowing what I believe in. I cross my fingers instead of praying. I do on occasion say “Thank God”, but I think that’s more out of habit. I also will say “God Dammit” if you must know. I know, I know I am a terrible person.

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Free My Mind

May 3, 2013 By 22 Comments

alicefree

I feel as if my mind is on lock down. I only wish there was a door I could just casually walk through, but unfortunately there’s not. I don’t know if it’s the monotony of my days that seem to all run together or if it’s the medication or maybe a combination of both.

My day consists of waking up, coffee, computer, reading, napping, coffee, computer, reading, bed. Mind you I stay in my bed the whole day every day. Alice hasn’t been around much, busy and all that stuff.

My life blows right now. Just saying.

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