I Drive Me Crazy — Ooo-Ooo

I can’t pick a theme. Not to save my life, your life or even my cute little dog’s life. It doesn’t help that I am working off a 10+ year old laptop. My only guess since it has XP version 2002. The font on the Ryu theme is huge and I actually kind of dig that theme. And I am afraid if I shrink it the size will be too small on newer computers and people will be all “Wtf, CB?!” and I’ll be like, “Fuck off, you do it then.” and then all my lovely blogger relationships will disintegrate all over font sizes and theme choices. Hey, that shit could happen.

A graphical depiction of a very simple css doc...

A graphical depiction of a very simple css document (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I like the Adelle, in fact I was waiting for WP to come out with something like that. But now that it’s here, it’s too cookie cutter to me. No offense if it’s yours. I have the upgrade so I could do CSS, but there is a slight problem. I only know Livejournal version of CSS because you can edit that shit. I can’t do CSS from scratch. I am a CSS interpreter. It would be really cool if WP worked like LJ and gave you something to edit versus a blank box that you have to place code into. I have a lot of time on my hands nowadays so maybe I could teach myself. Yeah, that’s probably unlikely.

I have a feeling by the time you’re reading this, Adelle will be my theme and you’ll be laughing at me. Ciao!

Blogger’s Block

I have an extreme case of blogger’s block and it is becoming insufferable. It’s unfortunate that my mental stability highly depends on the ability to blog whatever is on my mind and as of now there is nothing more on my mind than this. I’ve looked into prompts, articles (non-newsy), and Facebook to see if anything would strike. As we see here, it obviously hasn’t.

I have even combed over past posts to see what I tended to blog a lot about and that helped nil. I am not the blogger who sets up posts in advanced or writes notes on things I should blog about. I am as spur of the moment as they come. Organization is not key for me, though it probably should be. I also find it funny that in a guest post I did on Rarasaur’s blog, I mentioned I was like a few female comedians (I’m really not) sans the political rants yet a lot of posts from last year dealt with political controversial topics. I’m a walking contradiction.

In  conclusion, I am so done with this block. I don’t know if it’s the new medications, the fact I just got my brain back from a full-blown psychosis or it’s that time of the month — yes, I just went there. But if you have any suggestions for me or want to share what works for you, I’d greatly appreciate it. Love you all.

 

Am I Crazy?

This is going to sound crazy, but it is what it is and if I leave it to my eyes only then I feel like it’s invalid and nuts and I’ll rip it up and then I won’t remember what went on so I can talk with my psychiatrist.

Last night this kid I used to work with (not really a kid, but I don’t know what to call him) is texting me about porn. I get a call from Alice and we are talking and out of context while I am talking about a Grey’s episode she says, “Not real. It’s all imaginary, fake.” I get a text from the kid while on the phone with her, but ignore it because I am on the phone (pet peeve: answer a text while on the phone with me). The text I read when I get off says, “I finally got off to a babysitter porn”. Why does that trigger me? I babysat Molly yesterday. He didn’t know that. I always feel I am being watched. I always think there are cameras. Why? Because I worked in retail most my fucking working life and it’s the nature of the beast. Wherever you are, there are cameras.

I am also a big believer in nanny-cams so as I am already feeling what some would call paranoia, that flipped me.

Yesterday while Molly was napping I was watching House and this patient had something and they were trying to rule out Leukemia as soon as the symptoms are listed it cuts to commercial so what is the first commercial, it’s about Leukemia and Lymphoma. One of my lymph glands is “swollen” so I need an expensive sonogram to rule out any bad stuff like 7 months from now. I had thyroid cancer, a millimeter size bit of cancer, but enough to stick in my mind. Also when I was breaking out in hives and in the hospital the blood work was taking forever and the doctor is all like “you have a high white count blah blah” I’m like, “Heard it before let me go.”

So I Bing Leukemia and one of the symptoms that pops is flu like feeling and bone weakness. My brain goes, “There’s your sign” and I’m all like “You can go fuck yourself brain”, but even though I knew jumping to a conclusion like that in that manner was crazy.

It also doesn’t help that yesterday I found a free movie on the cable box thing called “Forever Lulu” What is it about? A schizophrenic woman who escapes a facility to inform her first love of their child she gave up. Sometimes when I go psycho, I think I am pregnant. Why? Probably because of the aftershock of going through what I went through with my first love. What scared me? She’s schizophrenic and her mannerisms are so like mine when I go psycho it’s… wow. I have no words for it. Now I know how everyone saw my breakdowns.

As I saw the fear in heartbreak in their eyes, they saw a crazy, paranoid, nonsensical freak show. That is why I hate pity. That’s why I think people are looking at me weird when they look longer than just a glance. That’s why I think paranoid. Because I remember all their mannerisms as they watched me spin out of control. It was like looking through a window pain.

I need away. I need to fucking just leave like everyone else does when they need a change of scenery. I need to clear my head.

I got in the car with my mom one night and I smelled this horrific smell of like gasoline and she said she could only faintly smell it. And said nothing else but to roll my windows down. Her expression on her face was the same look I have seen when I am spiraling down.

I’ve been called a hypochondriac all my fucking life. So much to the point that I can’t ever know what’s wrong with me, I refuse to go to doctors with any concerns. No one ever thinks that what I say is valid.

Last night I tell my mom I am a textbook (NIMH) version schizophrenic. “I hate when you read too much.”

I hate that I have to go through this life. Everything that has been instilled in me comes from my mother and sister. If they don’t approve or don’t believe me, I am obviously a hypochondriac and I am wrong and nothing I feel or think about myself is right.

Why do I not know what’s real? Why can’t I trust myself to believe myself? Yeah, I believe in self-accountability, but sometimes you have to know when something isn’t your fault. You have to realize that crazy didn’t start with you.

I have to get ready to take a little trip. Sorry there is no great ending.

 

Woosa! Soap Box on Abortion

Scrolling down my reader, I came across an image of a very clear ultrasound (not the ones you have to be a tech, doctor or parent to figure out) with abortion typed across it. So I clicked because I was curious. This person infers how they feel by the quotes they’ve chosen to feature, but aren’t going to come right out and say what they think or believe.

I am Pro-Choice. I think it’s the woman’s body, the woman’s life and if the guy isn’t so much a jerk and wants a say then they can discuss it, legally, morally or otherwise. Do I think it should be used as a form of birth control? No. But that’s as in-depth as I am going to be on it because this particular topic can be thrown in with politics, religion, censorship, and education. Both sides can be equally argued well enough that there is no definitive answer. I just feel the government or anyone else who was not involved in the making of this biological process has no say what the decision should be on a person’s life they have never lived.

I respect others who feel differently, I don’t understand them, but I can respect their stance. What I am tired of is how pro-lifers give all these facts about the biological process and what occurs when. Until you start collecting orphans or taking in kids who’ve been extremely neglected and verbally, sexually or physically abused, do not be upset with me and how I feel. I’m not the devil and neither is the girl or woman who has to go through with something like that. They know what they’re doing more than you will ever know what they are doing so maybe you should think more diplomatic, show a little empathy, stop bombing clinics and let that person choose what is best for them.  Would you like these girls to start having backstreet abortions? Taking a wire hangar to themselves?

OK I went a little further than I desired to. But I leave you with these words:

It is what it is. True story.

It is what it is. True story.

____________________________________

Technically I may have only read the intro and part of the first quote. It said about a baby sucking its thumb at 8 weeks. I saw Juno and if you’ve seen Juno you know what scene I am referring to.

Grammar Nazi

Because it's a cat it's less offensive. I shit you not.

Because it’s a cat it’s less offensive. I shit you not.

Facebook can get away with anything it posts unless it’s really crude like a pantiless crotchshot, which it could if no one reported it. I am sure a lot of straight men would dig it. I almost said something else, but I would have made not only the image I chose offensive, but then the following words could have really thrown you into a tizzyfit. *** that shit up. See? This is before coffee, mind you. I am lucky I caught that at all. So I didn’t make this image, I collect memes and if they don’t have the credit on the image, that is their fucking bad, not mine.  I have never read the ToS or P&P on FB, but in my mind of complete common sense, anything posted on Facebook is fair game. It’s the cesspool of image thievery so it would be really dumb to post shit you think is safe from being taken. I also have enough common sense to not claim anything as my own because seriously, that’s dumbshit.  Ever checked out Google Image search? Click the camera icon in the search bar and you can upload or drag and drop or image link to find where else on this beautiful web your image is used. It’s fucking fantastical.

That all aside now, I believe grammar is important as much as mathematics and other academic studies. I am not nor do I think I will ever have perfect grammar, after all Crank Masta G has pointed out to me where I can learn the proper use of who or whom. I still don’t understand it and it was elementary level teaching. I do better when I have a live person showing me how something works versus trying to learn it myself. It’s a little funny because before she pointed it out to me ( I was using whom for everything ), I had stolen a book from the library and specifically looked up when to use who and whom and you know what? This textbook said that it has become so blurred that it doesn’t matter which you use, but if you start the article out with one continue using that one to be more cohesive. I reworded that, it was put much simpler, but this is me we are reading. Then it said when in doubt, go with formality meaning use whom.

Over the years the difference between who and whom has blurred. That sentence annoys me to no end. Next they are going to say your and you’re are blurred and to make the article less confusing, use your. People will get YOUR meaning on which one YOU’RE using based on the context of your sentence.

Do people notice the inflection between the two when the words are spoken? Your rhymes with Door. Your door is open. You can say the previous out loud to make sure I am correct. You’re rhymes with lure (give or take on your accent). Say it: You’re going to hand me that lure. That is one way to figure the difference if your primary way of learning is auditory. Or even secondary. Or even an ape. Apes are quick learners, no doubt.

I don’t understand articles and ENGLISH TEACHERS (they taught regular, that was the year I wanted to do less work and I regretted that. Honors was full so I couldn’t switch, and I was not teacher’s pet that year) that do not feel that spelling and grammar are important. Aren’t you curious why great literature is not younger than 50 (guessing, no research done on my part there) years old. The schools are still teaching the same literary works that my mother AND my mother’s mother were taught.

It greatly appalls me that education is becoming more and more slack. You have people believing that fundamental education is not important. I don’t understand why knowing

(x^2 – 16)(x – 3)^2 + 9x^2 = 0

is more important than being able to properly communicate through reading and writing. It’s laziness on everyone’s behalf.

On mathematics, my mother was livid when she saw I was learning simple math by using what they called “manipulatives” that I called “blocks”. Apparently when my mother went to school they used flash cards and taught the whole reason behind why the answer was what it was. Why did my school system do this? So they wouldn’t have to hold so many kids back. Little Tommy can’t figure out 2 + 3 equals so we may as well make teaching easier so we don’t have to put more effort in on teaching Little Tommy.

Simplifying the education one ascertains in childhood to college is not a good idea in support for the economy; local, national or global. Yes, you can blame the banks, Wall Street, BP oil, and/or giving-millions-to-other-nations-who(m?)-hate-our-guts-but-continue holding-their-hands-out for the U.S. economy being piss poor. But don’t forget to look at education. Don’t fail to see the dummies that are coming out of our school systems.

Obv. before 9/11, but still a valid truth.

Obv. before 9/11, but still a valid truth.

So for you people out their questioning the importance of grammar and spelling, they are fundamental to continuing education. Just as important as knowing 2+3 in order to know  (x^2 – 16)(x – 3)^2 + 9x^2 = 0.

Yes, janitor and trash pick-up jobs and all other jobs that do not require extensive spelling and grammar knowledge are important. I am not saying they aren’t. I am saying that Scientists, Writers, Educators, etc. who know the importance of fundamental education are extremely important. And to come out with a Teaching, English, or Journalism degree and say to a classroom full of high school kids that spelling is not important is absurd.

Also and lastly, you can learn spelling and basic grammar just by one simple thing, reading. Not reading on Facebook or personal blogs, but articles, magazines, books, and even newspapers/sites.

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