Fighting Fair {SMS}

In terms of family dynamics and friendships, I try to keep my cool. Try being the keyword. I am bipolar therefor am known to come unhinged. But I am going to be honest here. Bipolar Disorder is a bullshit diagnosis. I was once very pharmaceutical and now, my doctor has me losing faith in western philosophies. In fact, I am waiting on him to return my call and I am drawing a line. If he doesn’t call this evening, I will be in search of a doctor that knows what they are doing when it comes to medications.

Before February 11th, I was on Lithium, Amilioride, Valproic Acid and 100 mg of Lamictal. I started an upswing that usually happens to me every winter and began sleeping less, but still maintaining myself.

He added Calan SR which is a calcium channel blocker for high blood pressure and migraines. I never mentioned that I had migraines and my blood pressure is always normal. I know because I have an Endo doctor. My weight also remains the same. I hold water weight and my menstrual cycle is irregular. PMS (also bullshit, but it’s true–’Princess and the PMS’ saved my life as a young adult).

He then added 2 anti-psychs; Seroquel and Haloperidol. Since these additions I have been having extreme lethargy, paranoia, unrelated/loose thoughts. I started smoking again, binging on coffee and cheese. I am experiencing D.T. disturbances. I am having ‘night terrors’ and thinking family members are conspiring against me. My mom took over my meds and changed the code to the lock box.

You know what I think? I am a lab rat to this doctor. Throw me into a hospital type setting, dose me on high doses of anti-psyches that are not necessary and watch the downward spiral. You know you’re on the losing team when Death becomes more beautiful than Life.

My sister has completely removed herself from me. Invited me to an April concert and now has taken me off Facebook. The family is doing what they did to me in 2011 right before I chose to OD on my klonopin and Ambien.

They think they are so smart. That they are my advocates, but they aren’t. They make themselves my Nemesis and placate my “illusions of disillusionment” – full blown entrapment.

If she dies, she wasn’t taking her medicine correctly. If she dies than it’s suicide by cop like Chris Sqwireck. If she’s in the ER again, it’s because of her own unraveling, too many transfusions, too much IV saline solution, too many nurses and doctors ignoring her warning sign.

Haldol? I have had that at the Jerome Center, right in the upper right hip. The next night it was a different one because Haldo didn’t do shit but give me an hour nap.

Drive her Crazy. Kill herself… she was bullied. She was reckless. She was not right. Always wrong.

 

Fuck you. I’m firing my doctor tonight if his listening skills are not primed. I know more about myself than anyone else can claim and this is not mania. This is death.

Related articles

• The Black Cloud in Silver Linings Playbook: Pharma Product Placement in Film (cchrint.org)
• Bipolar Treatment and Tardive Dyskinesia (everydayhealth.com)
• Typical Mood Stablizers Prescribed to Children (bipolar.answers.com)
• Five Possible Side Effects of the Bipolar Drug Lamotrigine (bipolar.answers.com)
• Bipolar by Definition? (madinamerica.com)
• Bipolar Disorder: The Causes and the Cure (casapalmera.com)