This is difficult to write about. I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know if I already have done an in-depth post about it. I think I have, but I may have been very technical about it like I usually tend to do when I don’t want people to know how I really feel about it. Or think I feel because sometimes when I tell someone how I am feeling, they don’t or can’t understand and I take it as my feelings are incorrect or it’s not normal to feel that way about whatever it is and so I smother them. I’m very childlike. Why that is, I am unsure and haven’t quite figured out yet.
When I was pregnant for like a very little amount of time, I was scared as much as I would be if I’d been diagnosed with something bad. Not something horrible, but something bad. I supposedly conceived around the time Jorge and I were in NY, so around Christmas. I found out January 18th, and then I had my D&C I think the first week of March. It gets hazy there.
There was no baby. It was only a small empty (to the ultrasound’s eye) sac so really if I lost anything, I lost tissue. I am getting technical again and distancing myself from the emotions of it.
I was scared. I was conflicted. I called my mother at 3 AM while sitting in my car or in Jorge’s mom’s sewing room sobbing on how I couldn’t do this. I didn’t want to be pregnant.
I blamed myself and I still do blame myself that there was no baby. If I hadn’t wished/prayed/sent death threats to God, Allah, Buddha, the Dali Lama, He/She/It and made a deal with the Devil… I could have had a child. I won’t know, I won’t ever know if it had gone the other way how it would be.
But calling how it did go for me a blessing is a fucking cop-out. It’s not true. It’s sad. It happened, I have to accept that (which I feel I do), but I have to really accept the truth of it.
I deflated when I was told there was nothing. My body failed. I felt my body failed. I was nervous and scared before the procedure. My Nurse Antithesis was so great. I loved her.
Afterward, I was sullen and empty. The kind of depression I wish I felt anytime I get a bout of it; numb. The depressions I sport now I feel this physical despair, this pain that no matter how I try to ride and just let go doesn’t relinquish.
Because there wasn’t a baby, it’s thought that I shouldn’t feel how a woman would feel if she lost a baby. Fuck them. They obviously don’t know what it’s like to lose.