This is difficult to write about. I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know if I already have done an in-depth post about it. I think I have, but I may have been very technical about it like I usually tend to do when I don’t want people to know how I really feel about it. Or think I feel because sometimes when I tell someone how I am feeling, they don’t or can’t understand and I take it as my feelings are incorrect or it’s not normal to feel that way about whatever it is and so I smother them. I’m very childlike. Why that is, I am unsure and haven’t quite figured out yet.
When I was pregnant for like a very little amount of time, I was scared as much as I would be if I’d been diagnosed with something bad. Not something horrible, but something bad. I supposedly conceived around the time Jorge and I were in NY, so around Christmas. I found out January 18th, and then I had my D&C I think the first week of March. It gets hazy there.
There was no baby. It was only a small empty (to the ultrasound’s eye) sac so really if I lost anything, I lost tissue. I am getting technical again and distancing myself from the emotions of it.
I was scared. I was conflicted. I called my mother at 3 AM while sitting in my car or in Jorge’s mom’s sewing room sobbing on how I couldn’t do this. I didn’t want to be pregnant.
I blamed myself and I still do blame myself that there was no baby. If I hadn’t wished/prayed/sent death threats to God, Allah, Buddha, the Dali Lama, He/She/It and made a deal with the Devil… I could have had a child. I won’t know, I won’t ever know if it had gone the other way how it would be.
But calling how it did go for me a blessing is a fucking cop-out. It’s not true. It’s sad. It happened, I have to accept that (which I feel I do), but I have to really accept the truth of it.
I deflated when I was told there was nothing. My body failed. I felt my body failed. I was nervous and scared before the procedure. My Nurse Antithesis was so great. I loved her.
Afterward, I was sullen and empty. The kind of depression I wish I felt anytime I get a bout of it; numb. The depressions I sport now I feel this physical despair, this pain that no matter how I try to ride and just let go doesn’t relinquish.
Because there wasn’t a baby, it’s thought that I shouldn’t feel how a woman would feel if she lost a baby. Fuck them. They obviously don’t know what it’s like to lose.
CB,
I am in my kitchen reading this, and it hit me hard. I’m sorry. And your emotions are what they are, baby or not.
Eric
Thank you, Eric. I appreciate your kind words.
CB,
I felt the same way when I first found out I was pregnant. I understand at least that emotion. Lots of love,
MB
I appreciate you sharing that with me. Most women that I know with children, even if they are young mothers, can’t relate to that feeling. Thank you.
I was scared, young, and her father was a bastard even then. I didn’t want to be a mother, not yet. I was 21. It is something that still haunts me. But try and keep in mind that things just happen as they are supposed to sometimes. {Hug}
At our first ultrasound there was a second sac and it was determined that there was a phantom twin. I think the experience relieved my wife, but I was somewhat crushed. I’m a twin and I really wanted that indescribably close bond for our children as well.
Somehow thinking of my empty sac as a phantom baby makes me feel a little better. I totally understand how you felt or still possibly feel a bit maybe. Sorry you had the letdown. Sucks.
I think your feelings are completely normal. I mean that is an emotional thing. You are dealing with it by writing about the experience and you even rationalize what happened in your writing. I know what it is like to have feelings (depression) that seem like will never end, that they will keep on hurting forever. But then after time they lessen. At least they have so far in life. It is little solace to say hang in there, but hang in there, it will get better. I appreciate the strength it took to write about this and deal with the emotions in that way. You are 100% right that nobody has a right to tell you how you should feel, they are your feelings and what everyone else thinks doesn’t matter. I wish you the very best.
Your feelings are yours, and they can’t be diminished or dismissed. You are a very strong person who has been thru something shitty. Time helps, and being able to articulate what happened here (among friends) can be healing. I am sorry, and know from experience how hard pregnancy loss is. Hugs to you, CB…
It took me years and frigging years to conceive and carry to term. Anyone who tells you that you haven’t really lost a baby should be struck from your friend list. But listen to me – it is NOT your fault. Our bodies do weird shit, male and female, and there’s nothing we can do about that. It just is. Please forgive yourself for being powerless.
So sorry. No one else can tell you what you feel. When I was pregnant, I was married and had a job and all that stuff and I was scared to death. I had such horrible morning sickness and depression I sometimes wished for a miscarriage. It was really, really bad. But I know if I had lost the baby, I’d have felt the same as you did. It’s human.
That must have been hard to put on the screen, thank you for sharing how you felt.
I’m sorry to hear about this. You can’t help how you feel. Or at least I can’t so I’m guessing it’s the same for everybody. You have no reason to feel ashamed. Most people are scared when expecting their first baby. There’s certainly no shame in that. Talking about the feelings help, though. And I hope by confronting your feelings you feel better about them.
I’m so sorry hun. I cannot say how that feels completely, but screw those who said you cannot feel that way. Ask them to go through it.