Diffident

By context she obviously means definitely. I just love when people mess up words and make a word that’s a little odd and a little fun to say. Stop. Stop… STOP! I know I said people need to spell things correctly and that it irks me when they don’t, but please don’t fail to realize at one point I told you I was a big contradiction. OK the air is clear. Where was I…

Yes. So when I read this I see a mash-up of different & evidently. Now I am not quite sure how we can use those two words mashed-up in a sentence. That will be trial and error.

Alice and I had lunch today and it was awesome. We went to my little sushi place and it was empty. It felt like we owned the place. And although it’s my place, I don’t go there as often as I used to and every time without fail the lady remembers me. I say the lady because it’s be a couple of years since I knew her name.

So we lunched there today and talked about everything. It was awesome and I was proud at myself for not being as negative on her choices as I usually can be. I did say how I felt, just with less venom for Dipshidiot.

I went a little far on here about how I felt for Alice. OK I went extreme. I feel she didn’t deserve the majority of what I said. I feel that my hatred for Dipshidiot leaked onto Alice so the real shitty shit that shouldn’t have been expressed on a public platform. I forget everything I said, but honestly as much as she makes some crazy choices, I have made my fair share and have plenty more to make.

I really do love her and that’s probably why when I get disappointed because she’s not living up to the potential I see in her I am really harsh. Sometimes looking back I wonder if in a previous life I weren’t a drill sergeant or something.

I laugh more with Alice than I have with any other friend. No lie. She is seriously funny and quick-witted. She is tougher than I have seen in most of my friends, even in her vulnerability you can see her strength.

I do have the inclination to go redact and erase, but those words are a part of me. They were what I felt at the time and I need to stop erasing parts of me that I don’t like or I feel ashamed of. I have never been able to keep a journal and that is why. The girl in the journal doesn’t match the girl I show to everyone else. I am done living like that.

With Miss Flighty, I do still feel that way about her. I cut her off when she texted me to confront me on a post I made on FB shortly after we had The High Life conversation. I made a simple sentence about how people need to think before they speak. What she said was senseless and flippant. She told me that real friends “check each other” . I am so far out of the loop, my mom knew what she meant and had to tell me what it meant.

I don’t “check” (confront) people who say stupid shit because then it becomes a bigger situation than need be. They end up trying to explain what they meant which is usually them just twisting shit around to make you think it was your fault for how you heard the information. That’s bullshit. So I expressed a one line frustration on FB and let it go.

She keeps at me texting me all this shit about being a punk and being childish and I’ll be honest, I was playing dumb because I didn’t want to hear her shit. She said something that tipped me off and made a light bulb flicker in my head. What she said I remember being real insulting, but I forget what it actually was so I texted back about now I knew how she really felt and that she need not call me because this was no longer a working number for her. She blew.

Cursing and saying all this ugly shit so I deleted the thread. I deleted and blocked her on FB. I deleted every photo of her and her daughter. And then I deleted her number. Poof! Just like that.

I was very proud of the fact that I didn’t curse once. Not even a damn. You know I am done when I don’t use my pretty colorful language on you.

Diffident (dif•fi•dent);

1. Modest or shy because of a lack of self-confidence.

Evidently it’s already a word. That’s some bullshit. No wonder I liked it though. I did the same thing in high school. Sitting under the bleachers with a couple of friends using rocks to write on the sidewalk (don’t act like you haven’t ever done that) and I was trying to write Deftones but I stopped at ‘deft’ because my hand got tired (I was lazy  — this is Florida, the land of humid heat — it was 78 degrees today fyi) and so I decided that was going to be our word. I look it up later only to realize it is a word. I am incapable of making up words. I blame school.

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