“I’m tired. Living with a mental illness is utterly exhausting and no matter what I do, it will never be over. This is for the rest of my life. When I pause and think on that, it’s still utterly devastating. I clearly have some work to do on acceptance…”
I am looking forward to reading more of this Chickadee’s blog. I was in the midst of doing so when these few lines she wrote struck me.
I was a real resistant patient when I was first diagnosed. I was resistant the first time around and even more so the second time around. You’d think if you’d gone batshit crazy twice, you’d be willing to go into treatment. Nope, that wasn’t me. I was difficult.
I didn’t trust my doctor. I didn’t trust that he knew what the hell he was talking about. I didn’t want to take medications. Lithium?? I have seen the people who are on Lithium, there was no way I needed to be taking that. Seroquel?? Are YOU fucking nuts!? An Anti Fucking Psychotic. Depakote?? I don’t seizure.
I’m not these people. I saw these people everyday in my pharmacy and I am not them. They have no quality of life and their families look almost more rundown than they are.
It took me a while. It took me a while to become fully compliant. I am now only taking Lithium, Depakote (they’re butt buddies) and Lamictal. I was relieved to see the Seroquel take a hike.
I am not one of these people. My family was able to get me help just in time and my doctor, as great as he is, believes the majority of the credit for saving my ass was timing and luck. I could have been one of those people. The person who’s not all there and would have to be taken care of like a child for the rest of her life.
I don’t know if he said this for shock value, if he truly believes it, or if it’s true or not, but if my brain breaks like that again it could be permanent. Whatever the case, it keeps me completely compliant.