“I’m tired. Living with a mental illness is utterly exhausting and no matter what I do, it will never be over. This is for the rest of my life. When I pause and think on that, it’s still utterly devastating. I clearly have some work to do on acceptance…”
—Disorderly Chickadee
I am looking forward to reading more of this Chickadee’s blog. I was in the midst of doing so when these few lines she wrote struck me.
I was a real resistant patient when I was first diagnosed. I was resistant the first time around and even more so the second time around. You’d think if you’d gone batshit crazy twice, you’d be willing to go into treatment. Nope, that wasn’t me. I was difficult.
I didn’t trust my doctor. I didn’t trust that he knew what the hell he was talking about. I didn’t want to take medications. Lithium?? I have seen the people who are on Lithium, there was no way I needed to be taking that. Seroquel?? Are YOU fucking nuts!? An Anti Fucking Psychotic. Depakote?? I don’t seizure.
I’m not these people. I saw these people everyday in my pharmacy and I am not them. They have no quality of life and their families look almost more rundown than they are.
It took me a while. It took me a while to become fully compliant. I am now only taking Lithium, Depakote (they’re butt buddies) and Lamictal. I was relieved to see the Seroquel take a hike.
I am not one of these people. My family was able to get me help just in time and my doctor, as great as he is, believes the majority of the credit for saving my ass was timing and luck. I could have been one of those people. The person who’s not all there and would have to be taken care of like a child for the rest of her life.
I don’t know if he said this for shock value, if he truly believes it, or if it’s true or not, but if my brain breaks like that again it could be permanent. Whatever the case, it keeps me completely compliant.
They tried lithium for me once. I see and hear things, they think it’s psychotic, no as I explain to each new doctor what my first doctor said. I have something wrong with the nerves and have a miss firing of the synapses in my brain. It causes things to be seen and heard what are not here, it’s not like I hear people telling me bad things to do.
Im glad you’re doing great!
Not to pry, but are you doing medication now? & yeah, a lot of quacks misdiagnose people as schizoid at the first psychotic symptom they hear of. It’s not always the case at all.
I am. I was on a cocktail of Wellbutrin and Effexor, but now I’m just on Prozac until I get my insurance back and am able to get back on my normal medication.
Before I was Bipolar I was Depressed, I forget the exact depression; clinical, major, nos I don’t know. But she tried me on Effexor and I was sick as a dog almost immediately. I didn’t last 4 days. In my teens I was depressed nos and was put on one after the other; prozac, paxil, serzone which was discontinued in 2003, and wellbutrin. I think I have been on at least 1 drug out of every psychotropic class.
I remember having to try so many different ones. I would have one that would work, then it would quit, so the dosage was increased, then increased again, and again until it just stopped working all together. They tried this with a lot of different drugs until they finally found a mixture that worked. A bonus, Effexor worked with helping to lessen the pain from my Fibromyalgia.
Score!
I know. They finally got one right.
Once again, I am struck by your honesty and strength. Thanks for letting me tag along, I am a better person for it. =)
Aww thanks for tagging along! I love receiving comments from you. Makes my whole day each time.
Glad you like the comments, I am still new at this bloggy world thing. Hope your weekend is great so far ! =)
I have appreciated your posts over the past few months. So, I have nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
https://firstnovelblog.wordpress.com/2013/02/02/very-inspiring-bloggers/
I’m going to be nosey now… why are you taking Lithium, Lamotrigine, and Valproic acid? I’ve never seen that before. I’m mostly just curious for my education… You can email me or PM me to give the answer if you want.
On another note, I’m really loving all your posts on you and your mental health. They really make me step back and think…
I PMed you only because I am not very expert at giving the explanation. On your other note, thank you. I am glad it’s doing more than giving me the shivers each time I press Publish.
What a great post. Thanks for your honesty. I resisted meds for years, and it just got me in a darker, more dangerous spot. I finally gave in and learned to love my lithium (and risperdal). I like the person I have become, and surprised myself by maintaining my creativity even though I am medicated. What a freakin’ relief that was!
You are doing great work, by sharing your experiences. Thank you. This is inspiring stuff.
Aww, thanks!
It is a relief. I was starting to read a book a while ago “Finding Your Bipolar Muse: How to Master Depressive Droughts and Manic Floods and Access Your Creative Power” by Lana Castle. You just reminded me of it. You should check it out if you haven’t yet.
Thank you! I will definitely check that out.
I am scared to death of the meds. I guess resistant. You have inspired me to be more open minded. I need to get well now xx
Wellbutrin, Zoloft, and Klonapin. Woot.