I like to think I am tough. That I am a realist or at least have some realistic views on the world. Although, if I were to be honest and realistic right now, I would concede that rarely I can be optimistic and mostly I can be pessimistic, or at least doubtful. I experience random bouts of optimism on my future. Feeling like I am no longer the flaky chick who tells people she has found her direction on what she think she should be or do professionally, then changes her mind a week or less later. Letting the doubt creep in and take over. Looking for an easier direction in the very back of my private mind hoping to simply crash into my Knight in Shining Armor who will rescue me by motivating me to do better and be better. I’m just being honest — and a little vulnerable right now.
In my mind, I treat it as a fantasy. I know in my mind, logically, I shouldn’t have to need a connection with someone to want to succeed in my life. Don’t harp on me, please.
I was originally trying to say I am a hopeless romantic in a tough, don’t fuck with me exterior and I favorite that about myself and it has always been a little secret and if others know, it’s because I am a terrible liar/actor. Disney sucked my brain out, I guess. Or maybe The Notebook even though I am not a fan of Nicholas Sparks, nor do I think the book did any justice to the movie. Yes, I said that. Yes, you can quote me. No, I didn’t mean it the other way around. The script was better than the book. I also love movies like Nana which is a Japanese flick based off the anime of 2 girls falling into a deep friendship with each other and love with their respective partners. Not each other’s, their own. I also like the kooky movie 2 Days in Paris. I love the movie Like Crazy. I love hearing about other people’s relationships. Forgetting I’ve loved and then remembering I had. Very deeply. Trying to remember what it was like to be loved.
With Sex and the City (HBO series, not movie), I was a huge Aidan fan. Huge. I thought Big was terrible and I couldn’t understand why Carrie loved Big. It was hard for me to see that Big loved Carrie at all. I was like all of Carrie’s girlfriends, mostly Miranda because she was the one who saw the least redeeming value in Big. It wasn’t until the movie, did I truly get it and understand. I think I rooted for Aidan so hard because he reminded me of Jorge. Just make Aidan Colombian and give him the Latino temper and there he is. The love Aidan showed for Carrie was what Jorge showed for me. Aidan didn’t last, neither did Jorge and I.
Sometimes I think one and done. As if you only ever have that one true and crazy connection in your life and those who come after, if it doesn’t last, are never going to be what was. Never is anything really what was and a lot of people believe that each romantic love you experience is different. I’ve had different. I didn’t like them. I don’t really eat ice cream, but work with me here. It’s like if your most cherished relationship was a flavor of ice cream and for some reason, though you’ve had it for a while, they are discontinuing it. You can never have that flavor ice cream again. So what do you do? You try a couple different flavors and they don’t add up. You feel like you’re settling. So you get an ice cream maker. You buy the ingredients to make your favorite flavor, but it will never taste like the original and you have to be satisfied with that.
I don’t want to be satisfied. I don’t want to settle for any less of a relationship than what I want. I want to be crazy in love. I want to love as hard as we fight. I want to always feel like I am falling. I want reality. Fights on the air conditioning temperature, spending, bills, to have kids or move or whose family are we going to for the holidays or if we want to see our respective families at all. I want to lose all inhibitions with that person, while completely sober. I want it all. I want it all because I have once had it. And I am not going to give up until I find better. I’d be better off alone than to settle. I’m not the settling type.
Post inspired by today’s The Daily Post’s Daily Prompt.