To bear child or not to bear child, that is the question.
Clearly, I’m going through something. (Photo credit: missbhavens)
It’s such a complex and convoluted topic. I often wonder if this much emphasis on choosing to parent or not was placed prior to the life and times of now. There is judgment from every angle and everyone knows it is a highly personal decision, but that will not hinder them in voicing their opinion on what they think you should do.
I’ve bounced between wanting to be a mommy and wanting to remain child-free. Makes sense since I’ve also debated in going for an all-consuming career or just doing something to get me by until I meet that person I want to settle down with. Currently, I don’t see that happening so I may as well go for that career.
If you choose to be child-free you hear a lot of, “You don’t know what you’re missing.” or, “Why? Are you scared? I think you’d be a great mom!” or, “I think the world is over-populated as it is so you may just be doing the world a favor.” or, “You know, you may be onto something. Parenting is very stressful. I don’t know if you could handle stress like that.”
Then, if you choose to parent and decide one and done you could get, “All you want is one child? They could get only child complex, are you sure just one?” or, “Children are like puppies, they need siblings to play with.” or, “I know you just gave birth, but I am sure you’ll change your mind and want more. In time, I’m sure of it.”
Better yet, deciding to have multiple you may hear, “You’re in a very demanding career, why would you want to have multiple small children when you can’t commit your time to them? These are their most crucial developmental stages in life. They need their mom’s.” or, “You do realize they are expensive tiny humans that will suck you dry? Having more than one is not only emotionally and mentally insane, it’s downright financially draining.” or, “Why not just have 1 or 2, but 2 at the very most, and then get a dog or something. Animals need love, too.” or, “Are you nuts? I hope you’re not 18 kids and counting nuts. Multiple pregnancies are not healthy for your body. Don’t you want to maintain your health so you can be the parent you want to be?”
It’s just like extremism. If you are a parent, enjoy parenting, wish everyone could feel the benefits and high from it like you do — that’s great, but don’t put someone out by saying they are missing out and that they’ll eventually come around. If you want to remain child-free and someone asks you why and they happen to be a parent, be honest, but don’t bash them for choosing to have a child or more.
People wanting to remain child-free are not selfish like most assume. They’re not people who if happened to become parents would not make good ones. Child-free is a preference. Just like the colors on your walls, the clothes you wear, the things you do and choosing to parent is.
Similar to my belief that bisexuality doesn’t exist past the age of 25 and if your consider yourself to be bisexual then really you’re just a being of opportunity. Why do I believe this way? Because you as a being know the sex you would want to spend the rest of your monogamous life with. Those who don’t are opportunists. Well I am a being of opportunity with being a parent. I can happily live with either outcome.
Related articles
- Childless Until Proven Parenting (stirrup-queens.com)
- Turning child-free moments into a Self-Care Practice (maplewalnutmama.wordpress.com)
- If You Don’t Have a Baby, You are Going to Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie (stirrup-queens.com)
- Stop Trying to Convince Your Critics – Psychology Today on child-free women (partyofones.com)
- A Skewed Perspective? (combatbabe.com)
- What! You Don’t Want to Have Children? (psychologytoday.com)
This is an interesting post.
I have raised five kids and only one of them is my own biological child. I also work in a PreK-8 school. I interact daily with kids from age 3 to age 15. In my experience, most kids biggest issues stem from their parents. From health issues to behaviour issues, to attitudes to intelligence, most kids are more screwed up by their parents than by anything else.
For those who choose not to have children, I respect their choice. Maybe if more people actually thought before they acted, there would be fewer screwed up children on the planet.
My older brother felt that way and he has been a wonderful uncle. He’s far from selfish, he just had different goals in life. That, and he didn’t think he’d be a great parent. I admire that in him.
I am big on good parenting, not perfect parenting, but good parenting. I think it’s very important to go into it knowing it’s not going to be smooth. Knowing and accepting as a parent that you will make mistakes. There’s no such thing as the perfect parent or the perfect child. But I also believe as much as parents make mistakes, so can the kids. Sometimes there are those kids that no matter what steps you take to connect with them and do for them, they choose to make bad choices and then as adults turn around blaming the parent. They don’t see that their parents tried and struggled with them, not against them. There is also the opposite where the child comes from messed up parents, but they make good choices and do well growing up and as adults can excuse their parents for their missteps and possible negligence.
Thank you for reading and commenting.
I haven’t read the Baby Boon, but the Mommy Myth book was very well done. There is so much pressure on parents these days. People have too much time on their hands, so they use it to judge others. It’s irritating.
It is indeed.
I actually chose that image in order to bookmark those books. They pique my interest.
My best friend has chosen not to have kids. I have only one, and so I’ve both said the things to her that you mention (above) and I’ve heard the things about the “only one” as well. For a long time I had a problem accepting that my BFF wasn’t going to have kids; I wanted our kids to grow up together, and I wanted her to be able to relate to me as a mom. That’s the thing, I think, with people who have kids. We want those who do not to understand and to commiserate, to empathize with us when they get a fever or have their tonsils out. But the truth is that if you’ve never had a kid, you have no idea.
And that’s why those who want others to have kids are so selfish! We want others to have kids so they can relate to us; therefore, it’a all about US! Sad but true. It took me about 6 years to realize the folly of my ways. Now, my BFF is happy as “Aunt Lani” and my son loves her so much. Do I need her to empathize now? Naw. But it took a little time.
And so many people look at me with pity because I only have one son. We struggled to get pregnant and had to do in vitro. Ten years ago that was about $30,000. So one fantastic kid is just fine, although the “guilt” at not being “good enough” also took me years to get over.
Your observations are interesting and right on. I don’t know about the bisexual thing, but I have to think you are probably right. I mean, deep down inside we are one or the other, right?
Anyway, I ramble. I will be interested to know what you choose for your life. Probably the situation will dictate the outcome, like it did for us. I wanted 2-3 kids. I got 1. You might not be able to have kids…or your future man might not. You never know.
Yeah, most of the friends I had entering my 20s slowly dropped out of my life because they have kids now and I couldn’t possibly relate to them anymore. I have seen selfish. It’s their loss. It’s just sad that as adults there are still “cliques”.
They’re missing out on a badass babysitter that would’ve cost them a whole lot less than traditional childcare. C’est la vie.
That’s too bad…bad ass (and responsible) babysitters are hard to find!
All too true. I don’t know how parents do it. It is a necessity of course, but I think it takes tremendous strength to leave your child in someone else’s care. At least initially and before they can really talk and report to you of what went on while you were away.
I trust myself around kids and I am very good with them. I find it to be one of the biggest compliments when someone can trust me to watch their child.
I hope you don’t think I was saying that you are selfish. It’s all of us parents who want “you” to conform for our own selfish reasons. We are selfish.
No, no, no I knew how you meant it, I was just affirming it. But everyone is selfish to some extent. I think we need to be a little in order to know what we prefer. I just don’t like it when others accuse others of being selfish because of a choice they make for themselves. When they add a negative connotation to it. For instance, saying those who choose to remain childless or child-free, as some prefer to call it, are unable to put themselves on the back burner for a child. Some people do choose to be child-free because of that, but they shouldn’t be looked at as being selfish. Just has a mother or father shouldn’t be looked at as selfish for “adding to the population when there are plenty of children out there who need good homes”. I’m rambling a bit.
How do you edit comments you’ve made? I wrote the wrong word twice: emphasize instead of empathize.
The blog owner has to do it. I’ll take care of it.
I went through the same thing a couple of years ago. What got me was a chapter in some book from the ’70s about making the choice about whether or not to have children. The chapter went on about do you WANT them? Do you feel like you can’t live without them? Do you feel like your life won’t be complete without children? If your answer isn’t a resounding yes, you probably will be happier choosing to not have them. That line of reasoning made sense to me, and I haven’t regretted choosing a child-free lifestyle since.
Really good post! As a man I think it’s much easier to dodge these kinds of issues. Being technically able to conceive children until very old means we don’t have the same sense of urgency that women do, the race with menopause and the optimum time to become pregnant physically and psychologically. This is a palpable and very real source of stress for many women I’ve known. Even women who are unsure about children often have a very real sense of the biological clock ticking away.
I think a big part of having a child is a sense of legacy, of mortality, that when you die something that you’ve created lives on, your blood, your ideas. And from that standpoint I believe spending your life working on creating projects that will live on after you, songs, philosophy, writing, art, architecture and the positive differences you’ve made to people will also give you that sense of giving “birth” to something that will outlive your mortal life.
Ultimately I believe that, like in terms of sexual preference, tolerance, acceptance and an attitude of “live and let live” should be the prevalent one regarding whether or not to have a child. There is no right or wrong, it depends entirely on the personality and circumstances of the individual. People should be able to do what they like and not be guilted into changing their mind.
Cool post as always
Rohan.