This writing prompt couldn’t come at any more weird* of a time. December 19th will mark the 13th un-anniversary to this.
I’m going to take it a step further by adding this will be something I will never tell my mom. She knows I blog, she knows I am very open, but since she has shown no interest in reading, if she ever does – this one will be buried so I have no worries.
Dear Mom,
A couple of weeks or so ago you asked me a very difficult question. You asked why I didn’t tell you about the event that occurred until years later. You asked why I didn’t report it even bringing up the fact that you would have because you always think of “what if it happens to another?”. You said had I told you you would have gone after the little fucker. I was able to easily come up with how you always think if you were ever raped or attacked in any way, you’d tell, you’d report it — but in actuality, sometimes you can’t find your voice to report it, to tell. Telling my best friend was hard. She was the first person I told that morning after it happened because she was with me and I felt so disgusting I needed to spew it out. You picked me up from the house we were at and when I got in the car you were spitting nails because you were so mad I’d lied to you and you were up all night worrying. I started to tell you and you said to me, “That’s what you get for going places you don’t belong and hanging out with people you shouldn’t be.”
So, no. I didn’t hide it from you then. I didn’t try to keep it to myself. I tried to tell you. That is something you will never know. The major reasons being I wouldn’t want to hurt you and I know you’d deny it. I don’t place blame on you, but when you’re 14 and after something that damaging happens to you and a person says you deserved it. It’s hard.
_________________
*This is the 19th prompt written on the 14th day in the month of December. December 19th is when the incident took place. Yesterday was the 13th of December and it was yesterday I told my friend who was with me that night what my mom said to me. The event was 13 years ago and I was 14 years old.
Related articles
- Fuck You, Rape Culture (jezebel.com)
You tell who you can, when you can. You can not expect anything more of yourself. You are a woman of strength.
Bless your heart. The truth is that NOBODY knows how they would react to something until they are actually faced with that situation themselves, and prayerfully, not too many will ever have to deal with the pain you have dealt with. I pray that you will be comforted, and that if anyone ever again tells you what they would have done in your situation, you can just tell them to thank God they’ve never been in that situation. Every one of us does the very best we can to get over certain circumstances in life, and when you’re in the midst of the pain, just surviving from one minute to the next is all we are able to think of… Overcoming and conquering the circumstances don’t come until much later, after we manage to survive. God bless you!
Love,
Cheryl
I don’t even know you, but my heart goes out to you. I know how it feels to hide painful things from someone who just can’t listen at the time. I went through a similar (but not nearly as bad) situation when I was 17.
That said, I think you should reframe this post as an “apology” in the sense of the Socratic apology where you don’t actually apologize, but turn the situation around to make the other party understand their wrongdoing.
Yeah, you went out with the wrong people and made poor decisions, and now your mom is hurt that you couldn’t confide in her. She feels like she failed as a mom, probably.
You should write an apology saying why you didn’t tell her at the time.
But you’d have to keep it logical, open-minded, and NOT venting. No swear words. Your rhetorical purpose would be to finally get HER apology for not being emotionally available to you when you needed her most.
Email me if you’re interested in how to craft this kind of “speech”. They are SO effective.
As a side note, I am proud of you for writing this letter even if you never intended to send it. That’s a major part of the healing process. I need to do that with my own mom.
*hugs* I’m always impressed with your strength, and honest writing.
Aww thank you, Rara. You always know just what to say. I wish I had that quality.
Abuse of any kind really sucks, telling someone about it at the time sucks even more. But you told someone, you didn’t hold it all in. Nice to meet you and to see your honesty and your strength. I am so very glad I stopped by.
Aw, thank you!
Nice to meet you, also and thank you for stopping by and letting me know.