I like to be late sometimes on things I want to do. It’s the rebel in me. It could no way be possible that I simply realized I hadn’t taken the time to write today until just a few minutes until midnight. No, not that. It could no way be possible through all my hectic day I was ruminating how one shall go about writing their own obituary. What a challenge. No, it wasn’t that. I purposefully waited until the very last minutes because this is my blog and I’m in charge. I actually never understood the concept behind group blogs, but that is neither here nor there. & I am not talking about a blog that has several guest bloggers, I am referring to a blog that has a group of authors. Seems too much to me. I like to be in charge. I was HBIC in all of my group projects in school. I liked it when the others slacked off. I’m weird. But not weird enough to have my obituary simply roll off my fingertips right onto the screen without some serious critical thinking. So I thank you, Daily Post for almost yesterday’s prompt. Without it I could not have spent hours ruminating and putting it off until almost midnight like the bombass procrastinator I am.
[Insert Date Here]
On an unfortunate eve whilst Combat Babe — or CB as known by her fellow cronies – was blissfully typing away on her slick little ultrabook she got through nefarious deeds that were held in a
hotel motel on another eve previous to, a pain began to radiate in her stomach. Thinking it simply must be a stomach virus she continued on. Had CB listened to Alice, a “real life” friend of hers that she liked to complain about… a lot, she would have went to obtain the flu vaccine as Alice insisted this flu season was one of the worst since the influenza shot had been out. Needless to say now, you have assumed that CB caught the wretched virus and it killed her. You assume incorrectly. She literally simply dropped dead. The autopsy is complete and there is absolutely no cause of death. It has been issued and reviewed by world renowned medical examiners whom are baffled that there is no resolve to this mystery. Science is stunned. She is survived by her 5 cats Fluffy, Sneezy, Raunchy, Sir Sheldon Cooper and Weezy. All from the same litter. Sneezy and Weezy are twins. Sneezy is allergic to Fluffy. Weezy has asthma. Fluffy is in love with Raunchy. Sir Sheldon Cooper keeps to himself and has extremely odd habits. Where were we at? Oh, and CB is survived by some family whom do not wished to be mentioned. There will not be any funeral, memorial, religious or sacrilegious ceremonies. Formally, at least. Feel free to “do what ya want” as that is what CB always advised since she always did what she wanted. If you can do the math, you can see just how much money was made here. To do as I do please contact: Putting the Bitch in Obituaries at 1-800-957-8888. Do not be afraid to call as this is NOT* a sex line.
*Could very well be a sex line, I do not advise to dial it.