And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists
I never did anything to you, man
But no matter what I try
You’ll beat me with your bitter lies
So call me crazy, hold me down
Make me cry; get off now, baby-
It wont be long till you’ll be
Lying limp in your own hand
—Fiona Apple “Limp”
I don’t know if writing about this and telling my story as I recall it will do anything at all to help me or to help anyone else. People I try to talk about it with tend to shy away from the topic, my mother especially. I think she thinks since I did not tell her after it happened and waited until years later that it makes it less valid. Less true. She asked me the other night why didn’t I tell then; I tried to explain the weak and powerless that overcomes you when the event or occurrence actually happens to you. You think if that were ever to happen to you, you’d shout it from the roof tops, tell anyone who would listen, get that fucker charged to prevent it happening to someone else. I was 14, I can remember trying to tell her, but I think she was so angry with me about lying to her and not knowing where I was all night that she couldn’t hear me and brushed it off. I don’t think she understood the severity of it to me at the time.
There was a song I listened to over and over after it happened. I can remember lying in my bed hitting repeat over and over. It’s probably a song written about love, but with it’s melancholic mood and somewhat monotonic voice, it suited me. These lyrics helped:
I look to you and I see nothing.
I look to you to see the truth.
You live your life;
You go in shadows.
You’ll come apart and you’ll go blind.
Some kind of night into your darkness,
Colors your eyes with what’s not there.
—Mazzy Star “Fade into You“
Seeing nothing? He’s worthless. Seeing the truth? The reality of what he did to me. Living life in shadows? He’s a predator. Coming apart and blind? Won’t admit he did anything wrong/The need to go after unsuspecting girls will blind him will pull him apart to exercise his wicked ways being blind to the fact that they are wicked. Some kind of night into your darkness coloring your eyes with what’s not there? He’s blinded to the fact that he’s sick and thinks what he did was also what I wanted. My want for that was not there. When Mazzy Star goes into the chorus of “Fade into you, shame you never knew” made me feel at the time I was listening to the song so much that my innocence faded into him that night and it’s a shame that he’s so sick and selfish as to not realize what he had done to me.
He stepped out to the balcony of the hotel I was at with my friend, her sister (Ivan’s girlfriend) and another guy. They were all asleep and the guy and Ivan had left so I thought nothing of taking my friends Old English and sitting out on the balcony. I can still remember hearing the slider and looking to my left and seeing his white shoe with his khaki pants. I had a sinking feeling, and instinct that I should have listened to, but I didn’t. He seemed a little too happy to see me, but I again wasn’t listening to myself. Therein lies my downfall. He offered me a Heineken or something and I told him I had a beer and he said something along the lines of the Heineken being better. So he went inside and got me one already opened. He didn’t open it in front of me. Had I had the knowledge I do now, I wouldn’t have drank it.
He was sitting next to me and handed me a blunt. I smoked and we talked. It wasn’t until I started fading out that he was trying to pull me closer to him. I went completely out only to awake to him cradling me like a child and feeling me up and kissing on my neck. My head was screaming no, but I couldn’t get myself to talk. Finally when I could make sound I continued to try and say no and it finally came out. I then tried to get up and he held me either not seeing or ignoring the tears streaming down my face. The slider was open and there was noise in the room so Ivan put me in my original chair and went in. He came back out and said we had to go call her friend Jen.
He was kissing me on the elevator and I remember he was chewing Winterfresh gum. My innocent and naïve self didn’t know what to do so I let him.
Jen didn’t answer so we went back up stairs and that’s when he pushed me into the bathroom. He stripped me and I tried to resist in subtle ways. Using my words, thinking that shit would work. Pulling away. Nothing was doing it and I was afraid to scream. I should’ve just screamed, but I didn’t. Eventually he had me naked and after everything we were sitting on the bathroom floor, he was still clothed. He only used his hands and mouth on me. He was telling me to shhh and that I wasn’t going to tell anybody about this. I told him I was going to tell everyone about this. He said none of it happened and I was dreaming. I said I could feel the coldness of the floor and knew I wasn’t dreaming. He got up and left me on the floor closing the door behind him so the light wouldn’t wake my friend or her sister up.
I don’t know how late it was. I’ve never been very good at keeping track of time. I went into the tub and took a scalding hot bath and washed everything from my face to my toes. I cried. I felt violated, scared, I didn’t know if anyone would believe me over him. Each time the water got cold, I’d drain it and take another hot bath. I felt sleepy after so many that I went and laid down next to my friend, in the clothes he’d stripped from me. I thought he was gone, but all of the sudden he spooned me and started whispering in my ear that it was all OK and I shouldn’t tell anyone. He got up and went to my friend’s sister’s bed and I fell asleep. I woke before anyone else and took a shower, Maria needed the bathroom so I got out and asked my friend if she wanted to go to the gym with me. That’s when I told her.
I told her every detail, details I can’t remember now if I tried. We talked a long time and she told me I needed to tell her sister. We went to her sister and told her everything and she was outraged and hurt and very compassionate at first. Until we were at her friends house (Jen’s) who talked her into not believing me and of course Ivan denied it all. I was given the phone to call my mom to pick me up and I had to wait outside. My friend and I didn’t talk for a long time after that. We talked a little bit in Journalism when she was back in the area and attending my high school. It wasn’t until Ivan assaulted her while she was getting ready to go out with friends. Her sister and he lived with her in her apartment. Her sister and niece were in the other room when it happened and luckily my girl is a fighter. He had grabbed her from the master bath and slammed her onto the bed trying to strip her. She was yelling and screaming and was able to get out of his grasp long enough to run to her sister’s room.
She called me after it happened and I think she even apologized for letting her sister talk her into not believing me. I’ve written this whole thing out and only now am I tearing up and saddened by thinking what he tried to do to my friend. Unfortunately, her sister is still with that bumbaclot and they just had another baby together.
I let myself believe that my word would be invalid to his. It didn’t help the fact that the shit went down the way it did. I felt that if I did go to the authorities that the drugs and the alcohol involved and the fact I had no one behind me it would be useless. The people that were there were asleep and he’d in someway have them to back him up. I don’t know.
I do know that if anything like this, more or less, happens to you tell someone. Shout it from the fucking roof tops until someone hears you. They are the weak and powerless, not you.