Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth–
Excerpt: Robert Frost – The Road Not Taken
I couldn’t pass up the DP Challenge today. ” Open your nearest book to page 82. Take the third full sentence on the page, and work it into a post somehow.“
helping sarah (Photo credit: kat st kat)
Being Manic-Depressive (Bipolar) comes with a lot of perks and not so fun additives. I cannot speak for all and nor would I ever want to as it’s a spectrum disorder so none two Bipolar people are alike. They have the main categories: Bipolar 1, Bipolar 2, Cyclothymia (Also known as Bipolar Lite) and Bipolar Spectrum Disorder-NOS (Not otherwise specified). Not one is better than the other, they are classified by the severity of the symptoms, but that doesn’t mean that it will affect your life any more or less. To be walking out and saying “phew, thank God I don’t have Bipolar 1″ shouldn’t usually cross your mind. Some Bipolars experience their symptoms in longer intervals, some rapid-cycle between mania and depression or hypomania and depression. Some never experience a heavy depression, or one they’d consider to be that much of a hindrance to them. Some people with Bipolar 1 disorder never go from Mania to Psychosis in their lives. Some could, like me.
I go through stages and I think the stages will recycle themselves for the rest of my life. Anger that I am conflicted with this disorder that so many people don’t understand. The stigma that is carried along with Bipolar disorder. The people that claim another person is Bipolar because of a behavior they have like an explosive temper. I don’t think these people went to medical school and obtained their specialty in neuropharmacology and diagnosing of mental illnesses. Just my thoughts. I get sad; the whole “why me?”. What did I do to deserve living on medications for the rest of my life? Medication cocktails that will change time and time again because of your chemical make up and how you absorb a medication changes along with its effectiveness. Am I doing what’s right by me? How are these drugs going to affect me 10, 15, 20 years from now? Side effects like weight gain, possible diabetes, acne, water retention, kidney failure. Acceptance. Studies have shown that those with Bipolar disorder tend to be smarter, having a higher IQ which is only useful if you exercise it. We can be more creative; a lot of artists in music, writing, paint, design, etcetera are or were (if they’re dead by chance) Bipolar. Medication isn’t so bad if it makes me mentally feel like me. This is where we run into trouble.
The book I am using my sentence from was lying on the floor next to my bed from where I like to lounge and type nonsensical words onto the screen and publish them to see who will read them and what they will think. The cover and the back of the book have been ripped off, not because I stole the book, but because I once became enraged (anger stage) not long ago and ripped them off so anyone who came into my room and looked at my bookshelf wouldn’t see this self-help book for Bipolar disorder. It was a tad on the paranoid side because rarely does anyone come into my room. So I cannot produce proper credit, but if they ever run this line through a plagiarism site, may they understand it was me utilizing their help and not trying to steal from them. I’ve already looked, the title is not anywhere in the book unless it’s on some obscure page in the middle of the book.
“It can feel like taking the medications is a big risk, but not taking them can be risky as well.”
The other night when I was talking to my mom about an upcoming appointment I have with my doctor, I mentioned something about not believing his diagnosis is incorrect, but that I wanted to know with certainty that I needed to be on the medications that I am on. That can be looked at in two different ways. It could be smart to know that these medications are working and they are the answer. It could be dumb because it could be the medications are working well enough to where I don’t think I need them. The latter sounds more on par if you think about it. The first choice could be very logical, but right now it’s not. That talk with my mom was more like a talk with myself trying to convince me as much as her that my disorder could possibly be a misdiagnosis.
This reason right here is the one that makes Bipolar disorder the hardest mental disorder to treat. Not only do the medications have to be right and tweaked for as long as we’re alive, but once we are good and feel stable, that’s when we want to get off the treatment train and live our own lives. We can talk ourselves into believing we are well and don’t need to be medicated when in reality we don’t even realize we are becoming our own worst enemy. We go off the drugs, spiral out, I personally always go up before I go down, fight to not get hospitalized, get heavy doses of whatever they want to give us while in there then they send us on our way when the insurance says no more or the psyche appointed to that hospital feels you aren’t a danger to yourself or society. I don’t want to play Russian roulette with myself or the people who care about me. Yes there could be alternative treatments, I may pursue them in the future, but now is too soon. My brain has broken twice, my psychiatrist tells me if it happens again it could be permanent. I don’t want to lose my family and friends, but I especially do not want to lose myself.
You do it to yourself, you do
And that’s what really hurts
Is that you do it to yourself
Just you, you and no one else
You do it to yourself
You do it to yourself.. yourself.. yourself..
Radiohead – Just
Related articles
- Bipolar Disorder and Ambition (drvitelli.typepad.com)
- Bipolar Disorder Debate: Myths of Mental Illness (psychologytoday.com)
- 5 Persistent Myths About Bipolar Disorder (psychcentral.com)
- Are People With Bipolar Disorder Dangerous? (everydayhealth.com)
One of my fav poems to start, my fav band to finish… Smiles.
I’m pretty anti-meds, although I was clinically depressed which is obviously very different. I looked for alternatives and found some things that helped.
Is there any alternative for BPD? Any holistic advice, practices etc? Cause the whole meds thing sounds messed up and difficult.
Hell if it makes me care enough to leave a serious comment, I must be affected
I’m sure there are many holistic approaches to treat Borderline Personality Disorder, but unfortunately I haven’t received that diagnosis, yet. Smiles. As for the topic at hand, if you search my Blog and read the article Bipolar & Mortality and possibly others that I have written, it’s such a serious (I hate calling it this, but some people need to think of it this way to understand it a little better) illness and I haven’t been with it long enough to trust myself to do right by me. I have a fantastic, fabulous psychiatrist who has the best reputation I’ve come across and the sucker really cares. He talks with me, not at me and he wants to know what’s going on and how I am doing not just if the meds are doing their job. I think, in my opinion and heart, that if I hadn’t gone full blown psychotic twice without meds, I’d be more willing to go all green with this shit. Unfortunately I don’t want to be psychotic again. It’s not as fun as it sounds.
No it isn’t. I’ve watched clients disintegrate into psychosis through drugs or just pure meltdown, but my ‘job’ has always ‘ended’ a way before this – I’m not very clued on psychiatric disorder as I said. BPD was just my shorthand for bi-polar disorder.
Doesn’t sound like there’s an alternative, certainly not one safe enough to try.
I’ll find time to read your posts.
I was just teasing. It has been shorthanded to BPD before, but since BPD is taken, it’s correct acronym is BD. It used to be “bi-polar” now it’s “bipolar”.
Well, I’ve read some of your posts and a few articles to get some idea of what it’s all about, but don’t feel much better informed.
It seems people have no strong idea of causation, and that’s what I’d really want to know. At least with the depression I coud find the cause and work from there.
Must be frustrating, though you’ve got a great attitude towards it.
I love how critical you begin and how light you end. Must be fucking awesome to be you.
The cause? Chemicals in the brain and physiology. I’ve said in one of my posts on Bipolar that the grey matter of the brain is thinner and the filter between emotion and rationale is weaker. There are a lot of probable theories, my psych will be the first to tell you that diagnosing and treating Bipolar is more of an art than a science.
And maybe by your depression, you fail to realize that there are people out there who are chemically depressed and have no cause-effect reason for feeling so; there’s know post-trauma and etc. Depression, too, calls for lack of judgment therefore leading to a life that can be more depressing due to choices made.
You need causation? Read, research, look around. Find what makes sense to you.
All things to all men, all the women and the children, take me to the Tardis – who’s the hardest? (Roots Manuva)
Orville was a stupid bird, he slept by day and sang by night,
And flew out in his underwear whene’er he got a fright.
One night he sang a song of love to a pussy called Britannia,
The cat said, Birdie, come on down, so I can gild and tan ya.
He glided down a moonlight tree and sang without a stutter,
And Britannia took some Worcester sauce and ate him for her supper.
You rock
Before you mention it. No*
I love the Frost poem you started with… It is one of my all times favorites. Someday soon I will write a post about another of my favorite poems. I’ve been thinking about it for a while but I have to wait until I have the time to do it justice.
The real purpose of my comment, however, is about you bipolar. Over the past 7 weeks I’ve had psych small groups where we’ve interviewed patients with different mental health diagnoses twice a week. BY FAR, bipolar is the diagnosis that we saw the most. I was amazed to learn how diverse the condition, and the people who live with it, are. You’re post made me so happy because your insight is phenomenal. We talked to 50 year olds who have suffered (I chose that word specifically) with bipolar for the majority of their lives and they still don’t have the level of insight I just read in your post. Amazing. Stay focused on your goal and trust in yourself. You know yourself.
You tickle me with ‘phenomenal’ because it makes me think of one of my non-Poe favorite Poems ‘Phenomenal Woman’ by Maya Angelou. & yes, Bipolar is very rampant. I don’t know if some of it may be due to misdiagnoses and trends (if you notice, psyches tend to follow one another and become interested in particular morbid diseases) or if it’s due by the passage rate from family member to child. My mom is not Bipolar, but my mom’s biological mother was suspected. The passage rate is 85%, the same percentage as Cancer. Also, my father is an alcoholic and they’ve linked that in someway. The thing that got my mother’s hackles up (she’s sensitive like me, or me like her) is they’ve linked more of an occurrence in people with a mother or father whom was adopted. I find it interesting enough that my sister has ADHD, I have Bipolar and my nephew has PDD which is a form of Autism. We are the future, mwahahaha!!
I find it interesting that you feel stable enough to even ponder going off the meds. I feel the same way many days. but then one horrible depressive day reminds me to take my meds. I just remember my sickest times and that rules out skipping doses. I don’t ever want to go back to the mental ward. That place is just wrong. Great post.
I’m too scared to skip a dose. I don’t trust anyone’s input on it other than my doctor. I’ve been a pharmacy technician for 8 or so years. I’m a huge advocate on communicating with your prescriber on anything and everything. You have to be your own health advocate and if you cannot trust them, you need to find someone you can trust.
The meds help me. I suffer from clinical depression, OCD, as well as a few other issues, and the meds keep me more stable, but I also create my own ways to deal with everything as I do not always remember to take my medications.
Thanks Lovie!
Thank you! I can’t imagine what it is like living with OCD. They are actually linking nail biting to OCD! I thought that was a little interesting.
At least things are organized! As well as I know what I am planning on doing throughout most of the day. Downside, the skin around my nails is usually raw. Cannot stop picking and scratching them.