I’m Wide Awake

I’m going to be honest, I am not a fan of pop music. I hear it and normally it’s like nails on a chalk board. But there are those few songs that slip in because I am forced to listen to the Top 100 or “Today’s hits and yesterday’s favorites”. In the area where I live we used to have a rock/alternative radio station that I loved except for the 4 minute slots they’d put in for Theory of a Deadman or Nickelback songs — don’t even ask me about Evanesence, I want to rip out Amy Lee’s voice box. I’m terrible, I know. They took that station and replaced it with the poppiest pop station that didn’t even last 5 minutes and then replaced that with country. I was pissed. Now we just have a classic rock station, which I love, but there is only so many times in a day that I want to hear Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers or Fleetwood Mac.

Katy Perry is my little secret so to speak. I think in a previous entry I made fun of California Girls, but now you know the truth — and that song isn’t one of my tops by her.

There are not many moments in my life that I would want to erase. I’m a believer in needing to go through good and bad in order to get you where you need to be. If you’ve just been through something horrid, you’re going to think I am full of shit.  Maybe I am. You would think I’d want to eradicate the time I was sexually abused at the young age of 14. The filth I felt and how scared I was, yes I wish it didn’t happen, but had it not I wouldn’t be so jaded and in tune to know when there is something off about a person. I didn’t listen to myself back then and though I felt Ivan was with evil intent; I still thought going to a hotel with my friend, her older sister and her sister’s friends was perfectly OK. Whether Ivan was sent by the Devil himself or was God’s sadistic way of teaching me a lesson, it worked. I’d rather be the girl walking around thinking most every guy is a pervert than the naive one who ends up in a worst predicament than I had been in. I wouldn’t eradicate Ivan because that night I learned something about myself, I wouldn’t want that taken away. I was the victim and I let myself feel that way for a long time, now I am not. If I had a chance to come face to face with him, I would not let him know how deeply I was afflicted by him and what he did, I would let him know I was stronger and that if he could know what I know, he’d look in the mirror and see what I see in him; his sick, twisted, deviant ways that make him a boy and never a man. I’d probably want to bash his face in also, but need we not go there.

I’m wide awake
Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
I’m wide awake

I wouldn’t erase my whole friendship with Alice, I’d want to, but I wouldn’t. I have a tendency to attract what I call toxic friendships. It’s going to sound like I am proclaiming to be some saint, but I am not. I believe saints would actually be able to succeed in what they set out to do; I don’t succeed. I just care too much and I want to fix you.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I entered Alice’s life a few months before she began losing Matthew, her still legal husband. Losing as in he was having an affair and we found out. Simply put, it broke her. I’m a fixer and I give pretty damned good advice. He still denies his on going affair with this girl, but we know. He was being more and more irate and mean with her because he knew he was caught. He was completely cornered and so when that happened his defense went offense, as usually it does unless you are perfect like me and do nothing wrong to get accused for. I told her not to start groveling to keep him, I think that should be in all relationship manuals because if you grovel you look pathetic to the one who is in the offense and they will become more and more ugly. She listens as well as she comprehends and communicates, not very well. He made some of the ugliest remarks and hell broke loose and now I think Alice is wost off in the decision making skills than she has been before as a mother. Before being a mother she wasn’t very good either. Even when you’re a hopeless case, I take you on because you’re my friend and I feel this obligation to fix you like a mother is with her child. ‘You have a boo-boo? Let’s clean it up and put a band-aid on it.’ ‘Oh, he crushed your heart to pieces? Let’s pick them up and puzzle piece them back together.’ It’s OK, I can fix you.

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in
Wouldn’t bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
‘Til I woke up on
On the concrete

The biggest reality check came when she told Brian that I was being a cunt. I know in the UK that is similar to saying ‘bitch’, but in the US it’s the worst derogatory name you can call someone. Kind of like how ‘fag’ means cigarette in the UK, but here is a derogatory term to gays, hell gays have been know to use it in talking about other gays. I think if I were gay, I’d want to be a flamer. ‘Dude, she is a total flamer!’ Fuck yeah.

There has been friction between me and Alice since she has decided to be head over heels with Dipshidiot and then when he’s locked up like a little jail bird, bring Brian into the picture. All these unknown men around her children. They sleep over, she leaves the children alone with these guys when she goes to pick up take out. I honestly think she is crazy, not in the loose sense of the word, but seriously a little bonkers from what she has been through. Matthew came to visit in June, he was caught in the affair in late July, she was on Match shortly after she realized groveling wasn’t helping her case and met Dipshidiot August 31st. Claims she is over Matthew. Married to him for 5 years, birthed 2 of his children; mmhm, she is totally over that dirtbag, how dare I question otherwise?

The day she called me a cunt to Brian was when we were disagreeing about peanut butter and kids under 3. I was not being in complete disagreement with her, I was saying that pediatricians and the like tend to advise not giving peanut butter because of the peanut allergy. That not can it only be lethal if your child does have the allergy, but they are linking it to children actually developing the allergy and if not given to correctly it can be an obvious choking hazard. I don’t have a kid and I wasn’t telling her it was wrong to give it to Molly. Information of the subject has always been back and forth.

I think Matthew texted her or something, but I looked at her phone for whatever reason and chose to look to see what her and Brian had been talking about. That’s when I read, ‘Sarah is being a total cunt’. Ohh OK, so you think I am a cunt? We got mad, we had words. I sat out on the patio thinking and stewing as I do until I finally got up and on my way out said, ‘Unless you are unaware of the definition of that word, it means a filthy, disgusting p-u-s-s-y!” (kids in the house) and slammed the door on my way out. She came running out and I drove off. She calls me and is sobbing saying how sorry she is and I can barely understand her. I go back to her place and we make up.

Mind you this is a Wednesday, which is visiting day for jail house rock. Prior to this I had agreed to watch the kids for her while she went and saw Dipshidiot. What I wish to have eradicated is me actually forgiving her. I honest to God in my heart believe that she wasn’t sobbing because she felt bad for what she did, but that if she didn’t get me to forgive her, she wouldn’t see Dipshidiot. When you think that way of a person you consider a friend being that manipulative and cold-hearted, why keep them? I have been nothing if not shitted on by her with everything. I’ve been angry, enraged, shocked, frustrated, confused, saddened, disappointed and deflated. No more.

I’m wide awake
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
I’m wide awake
I am trying to hold on
I’m wide awake
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
I’m wide awake
But I’m not blind anymore…

__________

Credits:

Katy Perry – Wide Awake
Coldplay - Fix You

Inspiration: Daily Prompt

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