You Don’t Know Me At All

The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.
—Frederich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

I cannot say for fact that this will be my last post on Alice; also duly noted here and here. I can say for fact, that right now, I hate her guts with every ounce of my being. Does this factual statement sound juvenile? Certainly, but truths aren’t always so refined. Shocking, right? I have some issues with Alice, and not only the lifestyle she is choosing for herself and her kids, but how our friendship balances out. I’m going to sound pompous here — bear with me, please — I am there for her 100%. Compassion is my nature and I treat people how I want to be treated, generally speaking. There have been times where I have been a tad harsh or maybe borderline cruel, but one thing I have rarely been is flaky and flippant about another’s emotions. Especially if I consider you a big part of my life.

For the last two days we have been arguing via Facebook and text due in part to Brian being there 24/7 and if we were face to face there could be a plethora of possibilities in which it could have played, none too great to say the least. The misstep I took that brought us down the prickly trail was small. So small in fact I can’t believe it went anywhere. Obviously she cannot say the same because she took it differently. I’ll explain how I think she took it differently momentarily.

Alice: Yup just got home went with Brian

Me: That’s cool. Mission accomplished.

Alice: Lol everything but [grocery store]

Me: I’m tired, I am going to drink more coffee on top of the 2 cups I had this morning and then hop in the shower and do my hair. Talk to me.

Alice: Come down here.

Me: You must’ve missed the shower part of the msg.

Alice: Oh I thought you meant you did that this morning my bad

Me: Talk to me while I savor this cup of coffee. When do you say my bad?

Alice: Once in a great while… (no she doesn’t, not ever.)

Me: Mmhm..

Alice: Omg Sarah I am using my iPad. (The iPad brings out the My Bad.)

Me: You’ve never used any other device to Facebook msg me and you use punctuation and capitalization, even in text messaging. Now your sentences are combining and all sorts of shit. It’s whatev. (Whatev as in let’s drop it.)

Alice: Dude you’re being paranoid. Don’t make me Skype your ass. (Don’t ever call me paranoid. Having gone psychotic twice and actually experiencing paranoia changes your perception on the term, it’s a nerve twitcher.)

Me: I’m not paranoid; either Brian has stupefied you or he’s typing while you’re doing whatever. All I’m saying. It’s whatev. (fucking drop it)

Alice: Omg your so wrong it’s funny ass hell .. And I pray you get to rewatch this part of your life when you die and you will see how wrong you are (She went there. So I spoon fed it right back. Don’t talk about praying when I’m dead. It’s my death, my business, I don’t talk about it, why the fuck should you?)

Me: Omg you are so dumb and I pray when you fall of the face of this earth you get to watch all the times you’ve been right, don’t worry though as there will only be a few. (Picture a valley girl saying this with a little more smarts on how to hit it where it hurts.)

Alice: who the fuck are you talking to like that.. (The Pope. Don’t dish what you can’t eat.)

Me: Don’t like it much, huh?

My mother has always said me thinks thou dost protest too much. I think Alice going off and to keep repeating that Brian is not involved in the argument or conversations we are having and I keep having to say it’s not a big deal is her protesting too much or in other words denying an accusation I didn’t make. I said I thought and when she asked how I could think that way I explained. She is taking my explanations as accusations. She could have said well he’s not and left it at that. Throughout our whole argument she kept circling back to that.

Hence all the hell breaking loose. It ended up boiling down to me saying, last night on the phone to her, that I feel like this friendship is one-sided. That I listen, I am compassionate, I’m honest, I care what goes on with her, I build her up when she is feeling down. What I got?

“I shouldn’t have to ask if you are having a problem and I have a lot of problems so sorry if it feels like it’s all about me.”

“I lie because I know the shit I will get from you if I tell the truth and I don’t want to deal with it.” (She lies about stuff I’ve never asked about.)

“You always have to be right and you push at me until I just end up saying you’re right so I don’t have to hear it anymore.”

“You never have problems, what fucking problems do you have??”

“Sarah the chip on your shoulder is that you think I’m using you. Well sorry I don’t thank you every day for being my friend.”

“Now because I have other friends here sometimes you think you’re under appreciated no you’re not. You never will be but sometimes I need a brake (break) from the ‘what I did wrong today’ which face it once a day something big or small you point out.” (Damn, you hit the nail on the head there.)

“Quit expecting more from me than what I can give.”

We have our faults, I’m not perfect, but I am always there for her. Her only contributions that she mentions that come from her are buying me dinner when she doesn’t have to, going to Costco with me to pick up my psych meds when she doesn’t have to…

I am there for her emotionally. I will tell her like it is which until now she has always liked about me. I go grocery shopping with her, I watch the kids, I change Molly’s diapers, I feed the kids, I give them baths, I have Matt brush his teeth before bed (which when I am not there doesn’t get done), and I would be getting Molly’s brushed because her teeth have come in (she’s 18 mos) if Alice would buy a baby toothbrush and some baby toothpaste. She doesn’t take care of her own teeth. I wouldn’t dare want to expect more than she can give.