Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed.
—Frederich Nietzsche
Not you, not figuratively, not literally, not to mean at the general populous (OK maybe a little). This is basically going to be everything I have ever said to Alice about the man she is getting herself involved with. Know that in this post I will, as diplomatically as possible, be riding on my high horse. Everyone has one, don’t try to pretend you sold yours off for some magic beans—or a fabulous vacation to Lala Land. Nothing goes by me! Much…
It all started when…
Alice got married and knocked up with two kids about 5 years ago. I could have gone further back, but I don’t know much about her childhood. Well really she got knocked up, he asked her to marry him, they had another baby 3 years into it. They lived together across the country where he was stationed. When her second child was born it was with pretty massive complications dealing with her heart. She basically was born with only half of a heart and had surgery at 4 days old to reconstruct it. Alice, not being able to care for Molly as best as she could when she was alone and Matthew on his 6-9 month cruises, packed up and moved back here with Matt (Jr) and Molly so she can have family support.
Fast forward to a few months ago, Matthew is cheating and she finds out. It wrecks her, he may have not been the love of her life, but he was her husband and the father of her kids. I’m sure you get all that (I’ve never married nor birthed a human being).
Not really so long after, she decides that if he’s going to fuck around then why can’t she. Oh how mature we can be when given crap situations like this. She obtains a Match account that was supposedly her friend’s who no longer wants it.
She meets Charles (the only name not changed, maybe it’s utter lack of respect—you’ll see why) on August 31st, I was the lucky sitter (I think I’m in Aunty love with her kids). She tells me he’s cute, funny, only had one beer and was dreamy-dreamy (gag-gag). I’m super pissed at her not answering her phone or her text because Molly wouldn’t stop crying unless I was holding her and Molly isn’t usually like that, I was a little scared and though she left me Charles’ number, she failed her mother’s (which I asked for) who lives near by. I didn’t talk to her for a couple days. Molly was OK. But in my head you’re a mother, your first thought you should maintain is your kids when away from them. I also would have called to check in at some point, but I’m not her so I can’t expect everyone to be as perfect* as I am.
Anyway…
I don’t remember really what pissed me off about Charles in the beginning (besides maybe the resentment I had when she’d be on the phone with him all damned day and expect me to do all for the babes), but I know I didn’t like him and when I finally laid eyes on him… Shallow Hal coming in… u-g-l-y he doesn’t have a damn alibi. He has mean eyes; in example, Sleeping with the Enemy or if you haven’t seen that (which you should) a guy who would not think twice of knocking you around so he can feel like Mr. Big Shot. Slowly but surely the trickling of sludge turned into a waterfall.
- Recovering Alcoholic. Really, how long was he sober? 6 Months. But you just expressed that you and he have drank together on occasion, you bought him Jack last week at the liquor store (she always thinks she can get things by me). Then not long after that she was getting mean drunken calls that, to her, are just fine. Jack is his friend. They go way back.
- Two arrest records. One, he beat the crap out of the man his (ex)wife was cheating on him with. Two, for trespassing a few months later onto her property. Supposedly to get his things. (They are still married, but he doesn’t tell Alice that for a long while.)
- I look him up** in the county clerk of courts that he lives and got his arrests in. I find 2 documents, one about child support in 2006 (his child, Chaz, is 3–that’s all who Alice knows about). The other document is a DOMESTIC VIOLENCE charge taken to court by his (ex)wife Melanie. I thought he knocked around the guy she slept with. Hmm.
- Melanie files a restraining order on him that not only protects her, but their son. It’s granted. I don’t know about other places, but here it is damn hard to get a judge to grant this. There has to be exacting evidence. Not just some threating texts or emails.
- He violates that restraining order supposedly by texting Mel if she needed any money and how his son is. She calls the cops and he has to turn himself in. Now he’s sitting in jail. Boo-hoo poor little Charles.
- Alice tries to convince not only herself, but me that the only reason Melanie called the cops is because she’s crazy. How do you know she’s crazy? “Because of what Charles has told me.” No, no, no it couldn’t be at all that she’s actually afraid of him! People use restraining orders all the time just because they’re crazy and vengeful.
- I got to look through his phone, she has this twisted way of showing me things about him that I know are total yuck, because she had to collect his belongings from the jail. Well she told me he had been talking to other girls and he’d written her a letter (some of those letters are so sick and nauseating—he includes her kids as his own and every letter says “my kids”, my the key word–sick freak) how she could go through his phone. The day after she had at one point said she wanted a break. He came running up to talk to her. I saw it as an attempt to dominate–only he can control the relationship. She saw it as a grand gesture–he’s got her seriously twisted. So they made nice (gag) though in his phone, as I said the next day, he’s telling this Wendy chick how he’s so hurt by what his (ex)wife did to him and how he really hopes what they have is real because he’s tired of dating and he wants her to be the one…. may I say gag one more time? Everything he’s ever said to Alice, he’s saying to Wendy. May I also mention he has a gallery full of pictures of all different women. They actually look totally opposite of Alice which she is blond and blue and as pail as I am. These girls are exotic with their long dark hair and dark eyes. And of course all posing sexy with come
fuck mehither looks.
Alice sees the truths and the TRUTH. Yet she is like a little kid who covers her eyes thinking there is no possible way any bad can happen to her. As Alice in Wonderland was a little pensive in exploring the land, Alice in Dangerland is skipping along la, la, la, la, la. All the red flags are there. And what Alice really fails to see, is that she’s shown me the truths of Charles. Not the other way around. She has given them to me and I took them and ran; wanting to know who she was, not only putting herself, but her children in harms way with. He’s polished himself in ways that he knows will attract her and keep her; I’ve tried to show her it’s just a veneer and there is some dark and scary shit behind the stone cold (ugly) eyes. Unfortunately, Alice will play in the illusions until the time comes in which he does what, I feel damn certain about, what he will do. Even then I don’t know if she’ll be the one with the ability and strength to leave.
Lastly (I swear), at one point when I was talking to him, trying hard not to be so judgmental, he was going on about something and I wasn’t paying attention really (Madea was on, if you know Madea you can figure out why) until he asked “why do women do that?” I looked at him, “What?”, “Why do women keep coming back to people who abuse them?” … uncomfortable… “I don’t know.”…looks at me in an I know you know why way…”Because that’s what they think “love” is.” .. smiles, “Exactly.” I should have said something to find out what he was talking about and maybe call him out when Alice came back into the room, but I brought it up to her later. I don’t know if she asked Charles about it. I doubt it.
________________________
*I don’t truly think I am perfect, I don’t want people to think I think THAT highly of myself. I’m very contentedly imperfect, but am a bit sarcastic and playful. & that’s they way I hoped you to take it. I do, in fact, have good to sometimes high self esteem (don’t think I don’t have bad days or weeks or months) and get easily frustrated with anyone who has bad to low self esteem. I think everyone should be able to hold themselves to an esteem and have a balanced standard in how others should treat them. No one deserves to be treated like dirt and walked on. No one should let themselves be victimized or talked into the fact they do deserve that treatment. Alice has very low self esteem, she’ll be the first to tell you. I try to lift her morale and tell her she deserves better, but it’s like leading a horse to water, you can’t always make them drink. You can’t change a person’s beliefs about themselves even if it’s for the better, they have to come to it on their own. My hope in this long post & disclaimer is that if you’re Alice, in my heart of hearts, please strive for betterment. You don’t deserve a little boy twisting you and breaking you down into what he wants, which what he wants is completely impossible. He’s sick and you can’t make him better just as I can’t make you leave. This also goes for men who are abused by their wives or girlfriends. My hope is you get this, or someone else helps you find the realizations you need to become strong and do what is right and best for you.
**If I have your First & Last name and sometimes date of birth, I will find out anything about you when it comes to arrests or court hearings. I watch too much Investigation Discovery not to.
